Life is difficult. So I read in The Road Less Travelled, around the late 1990s when I started being conscious of spiritual growth. Yeah, yeah, I thought. And now, my latest blistering insight:
Life is difficult.
Well. And, life is easy. Life is OK. Life is manageable.
A barrier to spiritual growth is that I imagine what I will look like, after it. I think of spiritual growth as a way to become Perfect me, who has no problem doing what I ought to do, or never feels unpleasant emotions, or has mastered the gifts The Serenity Prayer asks for.
Or, I imagine that it is growth towards a particular way of being rather than life-lessons, which may appear paradoxical or contradictory, which I may forget and need to re-learn again and again. So, life is difficult; and life is easy. Right now, I don’t have to go outside my front door if I don’t want to. I can spend as much time writing on my blog as I like- with minimal revision, just changing the most poorly expressed bits, and no judgment by editors.
I feel I ought to want more. I am not motivated to seek more- to write for publication, to seek stage time, to apply for a job, even to read an improving book- because I do not see it as improving my situation. Old immature understandings poisoned by Perfect me get in the way: I should get to a place instantly, the effort should not be overwhelming, I should see exactly where I will be. What step do I want to take today? No idea. I would rather watch silly telly.
I don’t know where to go from this. Perhaps someone really will rescue me. Perhaps I will see something I feel I can do, and go for it. I do, after all. I have been AM clerk. At the moment, though, enjoying where I am- with time to watch TV, whatever- can’t be that bad.
What do I want? Not this! I want to want more than this! I want to build something! Well, if the road to fulfilment is what I want, then right now this is what I want. Stop wanting things because I was told to.