What I want VI

What counts as winning an employment tribunal? A lawyer who charged claimants directly might say, a decision that there was an unfair dismissal was a win. However, that can be made without compensation: the dismissal is technically unfair if certain procedures are not carried out, but the tribunal may award no damages if it considers the claimant would have been dismissed if there had been fair procedures. I would say you do not “win” unless your winnings cover your legal costs, and a reasonable amount for your time effort and stress in pursuing the claim. Claiming is effort, and if you don’t get money for that effort it is wasted. A decision that you were unfairly dismissed shows potential employers that you are a trouble-maker.

So there.

This has been running in my mind for a week. I could not persuade a particular claimant that their employment tribunal is ill-advised, and why would I want to? Because I would be doing her a good turn, perhaps. Caring for her. I won’t even tell her the argument, even though it is so clever and so clear. And yet, I think of it.

What do I want? I want to acclimatise myself to the slowly cooling weather so that I can spend less on heating but not be too uncomfortable. I want to scroll through facebook and check my blog stats. I want to watch television. What about a job? No. Really, really, No.

Whitman, for example, was the prophet of diversity. The point is not for all of us to approximate a single model or a fixed pattern of living. Instead, “the supreme goal of democracy is to promote the uniqueness of every individual” — for each person to be vibrantly distinct.

Democracy isn’t a political or legal bargain. It’s enchanted like romantic love, but on a larger scale. Each democratic citizen receives the love of her fellows as a gift to which the only appropriate response is gratitude and love in return. How might I find that vibrant distinctiveness in me? What I want, perhaps. I was groping for this quote- where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet– and my google attempt was where the worlds need and your heart’s deep hunger meet. Mmm. Gladness.

One thing that pleases me is to do something I consider generous or altruistic, and I like that characteristic in myself. It seems good for social bonding, and an appropriate characteristic in a social species. Then I read somewhere that it might arise from abuse- the beaten-down child tries to make the abuser happy, because that might make her safe for a moment. OMG!! My winsome characteristic just became a symptom?

Does that make it less winsome?

I sit here thinking, “What I want” does not seem to get me going, how can I coax myself into something better? Could I persuade myself to try small goals, to build belief in self-efficacy? Richard says that revulsion prompts him to tweet, blog, or sign and share petitions- that internet activism which anyone may dabble in- and a large proportion of people will vote for one Presidential candidate because they hate the other. That does not work for me. My basin is dirty. Yuck, I think, and turn away. Belief that it could be clean might attract me. Or, Reality. You have to get this clean- or this vagina dilated- and it takes as long as it takes as often as it takes. Get it clean or don’t, but don’t tell it that a particular amount of effort ought to be enough. “Sense of entitlement”.

Stop thinking, and do. Someone said law graduates with ordinary degrees were better, they got on with a task while the Honours grads sat and thought about it. Stop analysing in words and do what you want. Words might not get me from Who’ll be my role model? to angels in the architecture.

Work through the anger and grief and thereby come to Acceptance?

A stranger comes to the Quaker meeting and behaves suspiciously. You need not sit so close when there are so many empty seats- is he coming on to the older women, with that huge charm? Could he be preparing for a con? So we take reasonable precautions, recognising the possibility that he is bona fide and hoping precautions will not blind us to that, thinking it through. Sitting so close.

I hope that my slow thinking might make my fast thinking more useful.


There’s so much that I love here. “Your deep gladness” even if I thought it your heart’s hunger; the idea of distinct individual vibrancy growing and maturing in love; finding fulfilment through desire. I went looking for a George Orwell quote, my idea of it too vague for Google to find it. Something about the vast majority of people finding scraping a living all they could manage in life so that they wanted no more. I found this by Jack London:

The great mass of the working people was separated from the land. The old system of labor was broken down. The working people were driven from their villages and herded into factory towns. The mothers and children were put to work at the new machines.

Looking for it I found two other Orwell quotes:

If you live for others, you must live for others, and not as a roundabout way of getting an advantage for yourself.

And there is another feeling that is a great consolation in poverty. I believe everyone who has been hard up has experienced it. It is a feeling of relief, almost of pleasure, at knowing yourself at last genuinely down and out. You have talked so often of going to the dogs–and well, here are the dogs, and you have reached them, and you can stand it. It takes off a lot of anxiety.

Ann said my thinking and analysis get in the way. Just be. Are you a visual person? No. Not at all. I am a verbal person. Thinking and analysis is what I do.

Anne suggested I had “grown up” more than she, which surprised me- what she identified was not wanting things. Something like ambition ends, and there is acceptance. Finding “what I want” might be a good aim, but not a panacea. I want a panacea, I want it to be easy, I want to understand, I want to be comfortable and not feel unpleasant emotions, I want conflicting things, I am here, now.


You are a perceptive introvert. You are a very thoughtful, reasonable, reliable and quiet person. You seek balance in life and you are very content being alone. You love reading books, learning new things, challenge yourself and have a good one-on-one conversation with an inspiring and knowledgeable person. People around you love your wise aura and enjoy seeking advice from you!

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