Cognitive dissonance

All the choices are good. Nothing bad can happen. This, now, here, is Good.

Which is definitely pleasanter than

I lie to myself because I want to see myself as a good person. Seeing myself as a good person is more important to me than any other aim. Oh, and being in control. It’s not even how I appear to anyone else, only myself. I want to appear to be perfect me.

Words, words. That act was the right thing to do, reassuring one woman and possibly releasing another from a nagging worry. Or it was mean-spirited, subtly changing a relationship so she whom I admire so much should feel slightly uncomfortable, and might withdraw. Nobody told me to do it. It was my choice, my decision. Why did those words come out of my mouth? Because insidiously mean things do, pretending to be nice, really being nasty. Or, I do something and a situation works onwards through time, not towards a conclusion because there is no story, no conclusion, and saying I would hurt her by it ascribes to me far more power than I really have.

Or something. With me so far?

All the choices are good because if ever I do something leading to adverse consequences there will always be some good in them: at worst I learn that something did not achieve what I wanted it to. I gain information. Nothing bad can happen because I will always at least be able to get my basic needs met and if I don’t then I will have nothing to worry about soon. This, now, here, is Good because I am getting my basic needs met and am in a sea of possibilities, any of which I might try.

and I have a date tomorrow. Today, when you’re reading this. It should be interesting.

He said he is a complete pacifist and I have never related to him. He seems so controlled and controlling and someone told him he is a very angry person

I have been told I am a very angry person. I am. I said, I am controlling and someone said they knew from various actions of mine.

And we are a group of people groping in cold, unfriendly darkness, a darkling plain with neither joy, nor love, nor light, imagining some purpose but whistling in the dark- or good people, beautiful people, doing our best, achieving some things, having some pleasure and some fellowship. And I will do what I want, more and more not just for the purpose of appearing to myself to be something I might actually be but that act does not really make me appear so;

and make less sense in the words I use but more in my actions.

Or something.

all shall be well and all shall


(Oh, the choice! “Well”, of course. Or, disastrous, terrifying, excruciating, immiserating, impossible-


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