Rock bottom

I don’t know why I want to send you this. Perhaps you are the person more than any other on whom others project what they want. Perhaps because you have survived Augean levels of shit and remained personable.

What do I want more than anything? To manage my feelings. To feel comfortable feelings not unpleasant ones. To keep up appearances even if they are transparent; to manage how I appear to myself rather than to others as I have no idea how I appear to others. You have gone through “rock bottom” it seems, and that seems a good thing, and I have no idea what it is. You have what I want.

(Note, I was going to write “You appear to have what I want” to indicate my level of uncertainty, but I am certain of nothing, and all is appearance. “You appear” is otiose.)

My friend went through rock bottom it appears in a car accident which permanently damaged her back, causing chronic pain. She stopped caring about appearances. And lots of people don’t, but bump along the bottom, still drinking, going to rehab occasionally. A catastrophe may not make someone turn their life around.

I want not to want what I want. Keeping up appearances appears to be the way to safety but appears not to be. I want safety but not to cling to apparently ineffective ways of getting it. I wonder how I am doing compared to all the alternative mes in all the alternative universes, and the only way I’m doing above average is if most of them are dead.

Though I too have survived incredible amounts of shit.

I really really want to manage my feelings. It really really matters to me. I don’t want to face or experience bad unpleasant feelings. I don’t know. Apparently you have to realise you can’t, or something. Find out that the fear does not kill you- of course it doesn’t, it just feels like it will.

Intellectually I know the fear will not kill me, I just wish I felt it. I want to experience pleasant feelings, and I chase habitual ways which don’t work. What is supposed to make me feel good rather than trusting what I have worked out does.

So, what about you? Well, a hero figure might do me some good, a role model, a trailblazer. It is possible. Who you are really is not that important, just that how I see you has some passing resemblance to reality, and is meaningful for me. So contacting you would be a distraction; I need to focus on the ideal.

3 thoughts on “Rock bottom

  1. Hitting rock bottom is a good way to know there is only one way left but up. I think many of us have gotten there at some point in our lives only to slowly rebuild. The contrast is stark and when we look back we are amazed we were able to tolerate such bleakness.

    Liked by 1 person

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