“I am ridiculous,” I said, and my cis friend demurred: won’t other trans folk object? It means “absurd- deserving derision or mockery”. You can’t say that! “Ridiculous”- a “man in a dress”- no, perfectly normal, part of ordinary, beautiful human diversity. A trans woman. It’s OK to be me.
Am I being cissexist, considering myself as an Outsider from a cisnormative perspective? Possibly that’s part of it. I am cissexist. I have grown up in a cissexist culture, and imbibed its notions. And it’s not just that. My inner critic’s concept of normality is a hard steel block with a lead core for extra weight, unmoving, unrelenting. It doesn’t only object to me expressing myself female, it objects to much of my emotional reaction and spontaneous response. For me, “feel the fear and do it anyway” includes “see it’s ridiculous and enjoy it anyway”.
There are other ways to respond to my inner voices. I can talk to them sensibly. I can explain this is OK, that I have a perfect right to do what I want to do, and that takes time and effort and does not really convince me because it is a feeling thing. Or I can answer “What will people think?” fears with I don’t care. Some of them will disapprove, and some will disapprove strongly. I am safe enough. It is OK to be ridiculous. If dressing colourfully, doing things that please me and having fun are ridiculous, perforce I must be ridiculous.
Or- it’s a way of coping. I find coping difficult, so any way of coping has to be a good thing. Tell me of the ways of coping that work for you, and I may try them; but don’t tell me not to cope in the way I know how.