I got told not to use the word transsexual. It is objectionable. It somehow implies that those who transition should have GRS. The word is “trans”; that includes all of us, and what is between our legs is no-one’s business but ours and our partners’. A girl-cock, a hyperenlarged clitoris, or whatever you call it, is OK.

Do you feel less than others? Do you feel a nagging suspicion that real trans women know they are women, and so find the thought of having a penis unbearable? Alternatively, do you feel that you were forced by social pressure into having The Operation by doctors, transsexuals and the general public while you might not have had it, if you had had a completely free choice?

Do you feel less than others? Does the existence of another group of people, which appears to share some characteristics with you but be very different in some ways, somehow make you inauthentic or less entitled to be who you are, do what you want- or do you have nagging doubts that might be so?

The answer is not to lash out, and say it’s the other group that have got it wrong, they are the ones who should change, or demand that they do not mention their difference from you as they should be ashamed of it. That just divides people. We can be allies. We should be able to sympathise with another’s desires and support their rights, while not feeling the same.

I regret the operation. I would like to be able to swive heterosexual women. I suppose being told not to utter the word “transsexual”- or TS- is better than being held up as fool and victim. I wanted it at the time. My path to self-acceptance led through the Operation, and I am not sure “there was another road you did not see”. Though if I were sure of that, it would be sair to thole.

It was as it was.
I am where I am.

The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
Nor all your Tears wash out a Word of it.

You see I have this huge uncertainty. There is another group, like me in some respects, unlike me in others- and I know they have this difference, though I cannot be certain that they have that advantage and I do not know what disadvantages they may have. Producing my own hormones and not using synthetic ones, my emotional lability might be less: so I could ascribe all sorts of imaginary advantages to the door you did not open– while I am at it, I would be in work, the desire to present female would have passed, I would have three children-

as always with these fantasies, I would not exist and someone else would be in my place.

Guilt, resentment, yearning, shame- I am overwhelmed by these feelings as I always have been, I cast around for ways of escape which instead intensify them. However. I am transsexual. I am not going to keep quiet about that just cos someone tells me to.

Blake, the inscription

5 thoughts on “Transsexual

  1. I accept the term, although I haven’t transitioned. I refer to myself as a transsexual nevertheless. Not sure what else to call myself. Transgender? It’s kind of a catch-all term that I’m not fond of. I know many disagree with someone using this term who has not transitioned.

    I have felt female all of my life. I wanted to transition as far back as my early teens. I dressed in my mother’s and sister’s clothes as far back as I can remember. What I am not is a crossdresser. Crossdressing makes no sense doing it in a male body. Window dressing without the window. The core of my problem is what’s below my waist.

    I do hope you will be alright, Clare. Based on everything I have read from you, you did the right thing by transitioning. Hopefully, things will be better when you finally get that job and a love in your life.

    Looking at it from the other side, I do have the love in my life, and that includes children. I also have the career. I am frustrated, however. I think about IT every minute of every day of every year. It doesn’t get better, but I stay the course for the sake of my family. I should have transitioned prior to getting married but the support groups were not there then and the internet was just emerging.


    • I have no problem with you calling yourself transsexual. The feelings and desire make you so. The difficulty is recognising the two discrete groups- trans women who have these desires around their bodies, trans women who wish to remain fertile- and permitting both, valuing both, not seeing one as better or more authentic than the other. Thank you for your prayers. No trans path is easy.


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