Regret

It’s not that I regret the decision. It is, I recognise all I have lost.

Plastic surgery can do wonderful things. Your skull can be reshaped for facial feminisation; with the tiniest scar under the nipple you can have silicon inserted, to make full, feminine breasts. Don’t use cheap ones- “they felt like boulders” said a disappointed heterosexual male I know, of someone’s. Laser can take away your face and body hair. Moisturisers can make your skin soft. There’s an operation to tighten your vocal cords, which didn’t work in the one case I am aware of, but hormones don’t raise your voice, you have to do the practice.

For passing, a lot depends on how tall and broad you are.

What do hormones do? I have grown my own breasts, though that took ten years. When the levels alter suddenly, my emotions go very intense, which has been distressing and embarrassing at times. Testosterone suppressors and oestrogens are the usual treatment for my condition; we give them up six weeks before the Op, possibly for one last taste of T before all is irreversible. That treatment can render a person permanently impotent and infertile, and there is no particular rule on how quickly that might happen. Writing as I think, the downside seems much greater than the upside. I would like better options given to people.

What have I lost? It is more difficult to have sexual relations, though not impossible. I am starving: I want to be touched, I want to be held, I want to be brought to climax. I want not to feel so alone-

Ah. I wrote down that first line because it was a good line. What have I lost, exactly? A penis is not a necessary or sufficient requirement for a good social life.

I don’t know that you can transition socially, and retain a functioning penis. This does not prevent people from trying. I don’t know what I feel about this. I don’t think I felt I could transition without transitioning physically. When I transitioned, there was no doubt in my own mind that that required hormones and GRS. International human rights law says different. I wanted GRS, and simply cannot answer whence that came- internal Real Me or social pressure. Social pressure was certainly there, though: felt grudging acceptance for transsexuals, who had GRS and hormones, but not for other transgendered people.

Round and round the same old stuff. What have I lost? What have I gained?

 ♥♥♥

I feel battered, bruised and broken. What have I lost? What have I gained, exactly? What have I been trying to achieve?

Given what I knew at the time, I am proud that I transitioned. I could be more authentically me. It was a necessary step to take. This may be a better way of putting that first line:

It’s not that transition wasn’t the right thing to do in the circumstances, at the time, it’s that I contemplate, with amazed horror, five decades of misery. I haven’t lost anything, I never had it. I have made my life as good as I could. I am miserable now.

[T]he world, which seems
To lie before us like a land of dreams,
So various, so beautiful, so new,
Hath really neither joy, nor love, nor light,
Nor certitude, nor peace, nor help for pain;
And we are here as on a darkling plain
Swept with confused alarms of struggle and flight,
Where ignorant armies clash by night.

Goya, two monks

8 thoughts on “Regret

  1. What have I lost? It is more difficult to have sexual relations, though not impossible. I am starving: I want to be >touched, I want to be held, I want to be brought to climax. I want not to feel so alone-

    What you wrote, above, is nearly word-for-word, the comment from a very dear friend a few years back. She’s gorgeous and had the right genes to accomplish a transition (as you appear to, from your snaps). She lost her job, most likely due to her transition although no one would ever admit it, and was able to find another one. She found that femme lesbians wanted butch lesbians. She considered herself a femme lesbian and she wanted a femme lesbian. Those pairs are rare, at least in California. She wanted to love. She wanted to be loved. She wanted to be held. She wanted a normal sex life. She told me she was suicidal at times. But, in the end, she finally found the right woman and I do believe all is well now.

    I guess what I’m trying to say is that while you may be going through some dark times, it can and will get better, and probably when you least expect it.

    I have wanted to transition from about as far back as I can remember. I remember reading my father’s medical book, when I was around 10 years old. I married, thinking that would make the thoughts go away. it didn’t. I had kids. I’ll never regret that, but it further complicated ever transitioning. I’ll never say never, but I have a very disciplined way that I can continue to live in the wrong body, for the sake of love, marriage, family and career. The thoughts never ever leave my mind and seem to grow stronger as the years go by.

    So….if you’re trans….life will never be normal I suppose, whether you transition or stay the course. As a follower of your blog, you seem to be pretty level headed. We all have bad days, and certainly the lack of a job does not make things any better. I have a lot of optimism for you, Clare. You’re smart and you’re pretty and you have your faith. Throw in a job and some love, and all will be well. I know it will be.

    Calie xxx

    Liked by 5 people

  2. Your courage is something to be applauded. You have gained that, if nothing else. You have gained something, so many others would die to learn to possess. You have gained knowledge and wisdom, and you use it to help others. You are selfless, a dying quality in this cruel world of ours.

    You have gained so much. Who cares what you lost? If you lost something, think about it this way, you were never supposed to have it anyway. You don’t lose something you hold dear to your heart. 🙂

    Clare, you are in my thoughts and prayers doll. You are beautiful inside and out! Don’t you ever forget it! You’ll find love one day, someone who cherishes you for your imperfectly perfect flaws and all!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I feel now that a body is just a body and whether you transitioned or not you are still Clare. It is not easy to have gender dysphoria and not transition and I fight the feelings every day. So which is better? I am not sure. In the end you should be loved for your mind and the person you are and not the shell. The problem is that true people like that are hard to find. I lost someone recently who I thought fit that description but then I was proven to be wrong.

    Such is life.

    Like

    • Thank you. Yet I think a person is a whole, a mind in a body, and currents in the brain some unconscious, some conflicting, yet all one. We relate physically as well as mentally. I hated my body, then I transitioned and I loved my body, and that was such a relief, so I value my body and want another to value it as well as my mind.

      Like

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