Advances

He came in from the rain. He stood before me, and his hand appeared a few inches from my face. “Kiss the rain,” he said. I stared at the hand until it disappeared.

This seems like a feminine way of dealing with it. I do not make a fuss, but I do not respond, and the man gives up. And-

I have been completely ashamed of myself. I sent a text, making an unwanted advance. I have also cursed my own judgment- for it seemed like a good idea at the time, and yet in hindsight I see that I should have known her better, that it took no account of her feelings or her likely response. I thought not being drunk was a sufficient defence against idiocy:

Most people get drunk
before texting like this- but
I wanted to word it well

Not being drunk
did not stop it being ill-advised.
I saw that, after

I do not know what I expected.
I hardly know what I wanted.
We do these things

In flailing desperation.
You would not even let me down gently.

Indeed she would not. Letting me down gently, not making a fuss, is the feminine response, but she has had her consciousness raised. All I considered was my own desires.

She warned me. I texted again; but then thought, Can I get anything out of this? I might have gone on if I thought she would be “feminine” and let me down gently. No chance of that so I backed off. And, after, I have been kicking myself. Why the fk did I do that? I cannot trust my judgment or my responses. I have been completely miserable with it.

And I feel completely alone and unloveable. I see no possible improvement in my situation. I have to deal with that feeling myself. After backing off, I have gone back to thinking obsessively of her, and have to deal with that too- it will go away in time.

A woman posted on fb about being followed home by a younger man. She crossed the road to check she was not imagining it, and he crossed following her. When he caught her up she screamed until he went away. My action was different in degree and not in kind. Do you harass women? Perhaps you do not realise it? I love about this sketch that, though he does silly things and is covered in sick, the man sees himself as reasonable:

7 thoughts on “Advances

  1. Great video! I did something similar in a lonely time, convinced my obsession crush was ‘the one’ (in spite of not believing in that). An ‘either we hook up or we never see each other again’. He only wanted friendship but I’ve stuck to my threat, because that kind of friendship wasn’t healthy. For me, at least.

    Liked by 1 person

    • No. Not healthy, or comfortable.

      “Obsession crush”. We name these things- “infatuation” was a word I thought of- but it is the same mechanism, so I will call it “Love”. But it makes me hope for impossible things, so is unhealthy. Cycling through DABDA, and other feelings, there is a way to encourage the process, but not to hurry it along. (See me, saying sensible things to try to appear sensible.)

      Liked by 1 person

  2. it will get better one day at a time and I am going through a similar situation and adjusting now for almost 3 months. There is almost an addiction to the person that must be undone even as you realize while you recover that its probably for the best you cannot be together. I am not sure I can be with anyone and as I age I am all the more sure of it…

    Like

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