Find your inner bitch!
When I was doing tribunals, I took them all terribly personally. I had to win. And I thought, I do not really care about the Claimant, it’s personal but not for them. I was doing it for me. I saw that, and I did not understand it. Something to do with being worthless except for what I can achieve.
I want to see myself as a good person. Part of that is that I would not hurt a fly. Well, maybe a fly, but not a spider. I am soft, gentle, peaceful. Well, I am soft, gentle, peaceful and that is good and beautiful. I want to see myself as a nice person.
Yesterday I thought, turn the anger outwards, today I thought, Find your inner bitch! She acts in her own interests. And I don’t get this. It is not the full expression of what I was not doing or am doing now- yet the word “bitch”, seen as a good thing, is empowering. “It is alright for me to be a bitch”, I say to myself. You can do this. So I have done something- for the diary, not the blog- which is entirely my right to do, which I had been unable to do. And await the consequences.
It’s not that I don’t do selfish, or destructive, or ridiculous things- though those tend to be more by omission than commission- not that I am good, exactly, but that my actions are constrained by my self-image. I don’t get it. Yet I feel liberated, just as I did by “I am a trans woman”. I can be a bitch. A bitch can do this.
Clare Flourish 
Your “inner bitch” uses the occasional contraction, too!
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She doesn’t, surely? What’ll people say?
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Hag to the rescue! I love my hag, who personifies all the anger I feel that I usually am constrained not to express. She is useful, my friend, and as I give her space to breathe and do her stuff, I feel less aggressive overall. The permission to express different aspects is liberating, and allows us to approach closer to our ideal state. So, we approach our ideal self through states that are less than ideal. Another paradox. I love paradoxes. They are divine. 🙂
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The ideal state is the whole. If bits get forced to shut up, they get louder, they don’t have the practise they need at responding, and I fear them more. I seek to fear myself less.
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