-Why didn’t you get that job?
-Because I am useless.
This is the way my mind works. His psychiatrist told my friend to stop looking for work, because the pain it caused was too great for him. I find it difficult, I hate completing the forms, and I feel dreadful after interviews, which might make me perform worse while there. I resent the whole process. I project my own judgment onto the recruiters.
Not getting the job because they are hateful might be just as unhealthy.
Not getting the job also proves I am useless. Right now, I feel intense anger and hatred which I aim only at myself.
I can find excuses for other people. I can find them for myself, if I think about it. This is where I am, now. This is the situation of those looking for employees.
Even after yearly meeting, I am depressed, now, because of that job. Did I let my friend down? That slothfulness is wicked in me. And the rest. And the loss of it, because it would have been a good thing to do.
This is how my mind works. I would like it to work otherwise. It is the root of the insanity I noticed aged 20, that I felt at once the Centre of the Universe, and worthless. Neither of those views was rational, and I could not come to a sane view in between. Even once I worked out the sane view-
I am a human being- fearfully and wonderfully made, yet one in seven billion-
the insane views still affect me. And they affect my actions now, my fear of acting.
Wish me well.