Looking for work

-Why didn’t you get that job?
-Because I am useless.

This is the way my mind works. His psychiatrist told my friend to stop looking for work, because the pain it caused was too great for him. I find it difficult, I hate completing the forms, and I feel dreadful after interviews, which might make me perform worse while there. I resent the whole process. I project my own judgment onto the recruiters.

Not getting the job because they are hateful might be just as unhealthy.

Not getting the job also proves I am useless. Right now, I feel intense anger and hatred which I aim only at myself.

I can find excuses for other people. I can find them for myself, if I think about it. This is where I am, now. This is the situation of those looking for employees.

Even after yearly meeting, I am depressed, now, because of that job. Did I let my friend down? That slothfulness is wicked in me. And the rest. And the loss of it, because it would have been a good thing to do.

This is how my mind works. I would like it to work otherwise. It is the root of the insanity I noticed aged 20, that I felt at once the Centre of the Universe, and worthless. Neither of those views was rational, and I could not come to a sane view in between. Even once I worked out the sane view-

I am a human being- fearfully and wonderfully made, yet one in seven billion-

the insane views still affect me. And they affect my actions now, my fear of acting.

Wish me well.

Titian, Danae

7 thoughts on “Looking for work

  1. [The year is 2990. Clare and I are visiting holographically,, she in her living room, I in mine.]

    Jim: “Clare, if this were, say, 2016, would you be obsessed with ‘working for a living’ as they used to say, or would you fulfill yourself as you do now with spiritual and artistic endeavors?”

    Clare: “Why 2016?”

    Jim: “I don’t know. It just came to mind.”

    Clare: “Well, I suppose being a child of the Age, I would be concerned with being ‘useful and productive.”

    Jim: “I wouldn’t be. I wouldn’t care.”

    Clare: “You would pay a price for that.”

    Jim: “Yes, but it would be worth it to me. If we had lived then, I would try to find a way to encourage you to be happy with yourself and your special talents. Besides, 2016 was so gross…

    Clare: “Thank you, Jim. I am sure I would have appreciated your ‘help’.”

    Liked by 3 people

    • Mmm. And, the one I was after would have been a good job for me. And, we are a social species, many of us need to feel needed, or the species would not bond as well. And- Money!! You were suggesting I visit the Bay Area?


      • Of course there are practical considerations. I suppose it’s a matter of balance. Some people try to complete themselves through their jobs. They’re the ones who don’t know what to do with themselves in retirement. We’re never complete for as long as we exist. So, I hope you find a fulfilling job that pays well while continuing to nurture your interior life.

        Liked by 1 person

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