We discuss therapy, and she feels I would be better working with my subconscious. Psychology works with conscious thoughts, psychodynamic psychotherapy with the unconscious. I would prefer that too.
-Can you think of good and bad experiences with therapists?
The bad experience was spending about forty minutes almost silent, psyching myself up to share something which I was ashamed of. Near the end, I did; and she would not see me again.
M. agrees that is a bad experience.
I knelt on his floor, and smoothed out the wrinkles in his rug. It was what I wanted to do. I did not like the wrinkles. I also thought my desire eccentric, so doing it was liberating. I could do what I wanted. So much of this unconscious work is in symbols!
The best thing that counsellor said to me was “Of Course you are transsexual!” And I did not see him again for six months.
Behavioural activation did nothing for me in practice, but that article makes sense: when people become depressed, many of their activities function as avoidance and escape from aversive thoughts, feelings or external situations. Depression therefore occurs when a person develops a narrow repertoire of passive behaviour and efficiently avoids aversive stimuli. As a consequence, someone with depression engages less frequently in pleasant or satisfying activities and obtains less positive reinforcement than someone without depression. The problem is identifying them. In theory walking in the sun should make me happier. I don’t want to. What might make me happy?
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy concepts like Situation Thought Emotion Behaviour and black and white thinking made sense to me and gave me answers to the inner voices, saying I am useless.
Thirteen parcels of books are being delivered from Friends House and stored in the meeting house. I could have had these delivered to my house, but that would mean needing a friend with a car to deliver them to the meeting house. So I spent Saturday at the meeting house so I could take delivery there, and not need a friend. How can I trust, or rely on someone? It is a common job interview question, how are you at team work- I can give, but do not want to take.
I also told my history. That rejection, that knock-back. Her manner is lovely, sympathetic: this in itself may be therapeutic; at least it makes me feel better in the moment.
Liz drove me over to see this Quaker psychologist, and Quakers will probably pay for therapy. That made me feel cared for, loved and valued. It is a precious feeling. Hold on to it.