Emotional ambitions

As I accelerated downhill towards the chicane, a white van passed me. When I caught him up at the junction, as his window was down I had the delight of shouting at the driver: What if someone was coming the other way? What if you had had to stop suddenly, and I had run into your back?

-There wasn’t anyone coming the other way, he said.
-There’s a blind bend! You’re an idiot!

My throat is a bit sore.

The brakes on this bicycle are a lot better, so I would not have run into his back. I might’ve, on the other one. Anger is not the best response when rushing down hill with nothing protecting your head but a lump of polystyrene. And there is a feeling of freedom letting it out shouting.

I read that climbing I should look for a cadence of 72rpm, far faster than I am used to. It uses different muscle fibres. I tried it. I will try it again. I am pleased by learning this.

Normally I would not want to go off on one. One is cool and calm, until wound up by something which seems totally wrong or unfair especially where I do not anticipate it. I can forgive my father- he is just like that- though a rebellion phase of expressing anger may be useful, and perhaps anger after might be effective.

My problem has not been showing my feelings to others, but knowing them myself. I suppressed them. Now, my problem is facing and accepting them. This is why I shut them down with television, rather than opening them with meditation. Or why I procrastinate: I am overwhelmed by the feelings I anticipate, some of which I project on others.

Feelings, situations, even depression are OK- the problem comes in fleeing them. I am like Jonah fleeing God: the storms get higher. Escape the belly of the beast- come out into the sunshine- out of the Cave…

Tintoretto, Jonah leave the whale's belly

6 thoughts on “Emotional ambitions

  1. Absolutely – what you characterise as a problem is perhaps a mere stage in evolution. You didn’t use to accept emotions, now you do. Now you observe and, therefore, allow. Whereas before, perhaps, you feared and suppressed. In this you are not different from the rest of us, though your expression of self has probably gone through a few more stages. Whatever we feel, we are best deployed when we feel acceptance, or love, while doing it. Whatever it is. Lots of love! (((XXX)))


    • My “task” might be a better word than “problem”- it is what I must work on now. I have an intense feeling of shame and inadequacy, now, after yesterday’s job interview- permitting that feeling is so much better.

      Thank you. I cycled into Swanston and had coffee with friends- iced coffee, sitting outside in the sun- then lunch with other friends, and cake both times. And wine. Sunshine, wine, cake- I am feeling warmed by Love.


  2. Often, we suppress the uneasy emotion due to fear of not being able to ease them if we confront them…so I personally think there’s nothing wrong with suppression if it doesn’t stop us from moving on, rare are the people who can confront uneasy emotions and move on as if they weren’t there if not resolved…matter of timing and opportunity really and those can cruelly be haphazard…


    • The process of resolving these long standing emotions has taken me decades. I have rage and terror, and I have only recently seen the depth of my shame, and I salve them away with acceptance of myself and others, and appreciation of strength, beauty and fittingness. It is the old shame at a new object, and I move on through it-

      like moving through mud, and thinning the mud with my tears

      Or, the feeling is part of the force opposing my moving on. Hearing and accepting the feeling lessens its resistance.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Sounds like it’s like what it should be: one needs to feel ready to deal with unpleasant emotions otherwise they’re best kept suppressed a while longer… acceptance is a huge part of healing. Good for you Clare

        Liked by 1 person

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