Wanting, and not wanting

At last it is sunny! I wore a dress from 2012, an older jacket, and new sandals, and a Friend said, “I noticed in meeting how pretty your feet are”. I was delighted, whether or not that was her intent.

One of us has been suffering terrible pain. He has just been getting up, because it was painful to lie down, and going to bed because it was painful to stay up. I sat with pain, seeing the struggles we go through, seeing my fellow worshippers as struggling, and working my way to seeing the pain and delight, struggle and joy, as completely intertwined. I shared, Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

What skills would you like to have, if you lived your life again? This is of course a question, what new skills would you like to learn now? One would like to learn another language.

I am so dissatisfied! I don’t know what to do about it. I wish I did not so yearn to see that woman so much more than she desires to see me. Liz has many books which she bought intending to read and has not- so have I, so have you- a similar mechanism may cause the UK to throw so much food away. This may be so that we can lie to each other, believe what we say, so fool them into thinking we want what we should want so will work towards it. I don’t know.

She remembered a time in her life simply as miserable. She had not remembered the good memories, then something happened to remind her of them. She had shut down and classified those memories, and then been liberated.

I said on Thursday, “I need to spend more time with my kind [trans folk]” and Christina said, “You said that in October”. There is a Sibyls weekend this weekend, in the Lake District. Should I go? The travelling will be a pain. I stopped going when I transitioned. I thought, I want to spend time with normal people. And those weekends were painful- the anguished conversations about whether we could survive transition, or avoid it, the heady delight of being Abigail with similarly beautiful people then coming down after, just as I was delighted and energised on Thursday and depressed after. I will love it if I go. I will be depressed after. As the angel said, It will make your stomach bitter, but in your mouth it will be sweet as honey.Though- they were wonderful weekends; would they be as good, fourteen years on?

I am conscious of the delight, and wonder why I resist committing to going. I drag the pain into consciousness. If the pain seems to outweigh the pleasure, is that just depression talking?

Maurice Denis, Springtime

4 thoughts on “Wanting, and not wanting

  1. “What skills would you like to have, if you lived your life again?” The skills I have, only attained earlier. Then again, the search really is part of the fun.


    • Mmm. People use their energies. Had I acquired other skills already, I would have had to give up something I now have. But I quite fancy being four with the knowledge and maturity of forty: I could use freak status to my advantage.


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