Procrastination

I have just done one of the things I have been procrastinating. I was procrastinating it for six weeks; I have procrastinated another for six months.

Why did I delay it? I feared being judged on it at the same time as thinking it simple, no problem to do well, I could just do it tomorrow morning- or this afternoon- or this evening. The next part of the day, anyway. I am too tired/ can’t be bothered, now.

I was judged on it. I was thinking, I am not doing this very well. The judgment is my own, though I project it onto other people: some people are particularly good for this, as they have questioned me at times.

This is all in my own head. It is my firm belief that I should be able to do it quickly easily and well, so I am only semi-conscious of the thought that I will find it difficult, and I work out that I fear finding it difficult through experience of earlier procrastination rather than being conscious of the feeling, now.

Then I did it. I felt deeply uncomfortable, and also ashamed of having put it off.

I walked to the post box to post it. I was not sure of the last collection time: I was fifteen minutes earlier. I stepped out my front door and glanced up- yes, I have my hair on; down- yes, I have my shoes on. God I feel confused and sick.

And- where do you see yourself in five years’ time? Actually, next week is difficult to imagine sometimes.
The opposite of yes is not no; it is control. Behind that controlling impulse is fear … Yes is acceptance; control is refusal. … Our life is a tottering seesaw between terror and control as long as we stutter at the word yes.

Control is one of our favorite ways of running from life as it is. Control is so deeply engrained an illusion that we even think we can let go of control by simply wanting to. We do not let go of control; we let go of the belief that we have control. The rest is grace.

Caravaggio, John the Baptist in the wilderness

5 thoughts on “Procrastination

  1. …and things we cannot control upset us, make us angry, anxious, fearful…so I reckon well done for doing it! This way you put a bit of control into life: control the fact that you’re going to know the results regardless of whether good or not so good…

    Liked by 1 person

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