If I reverted, could I hold my head high again?
It’s not that people might say, “What a fool! He had his balls cut off, and now he admits it was a mistake!” Some might say that, but only immature people, lashing out in their suffering.
It’s that, having decided I like myself, that I am loveable, would I be able to see myself as a man, yet with this character and qualities, as remotely worthy of respect? Could I have self-respect as a man?
Men are not supposed to be like that.
Where does that idea come from? I am not sure I would judge another harshly, for being like this. It is very strong in me. It might be a large part of my decision to transition.
I am not supposed to be like that. So the only way I could escape that judgment was to transition. If you are considering transition, now, considering starting on hormones, a useful question might be, Who am I, really? Why should a man not be like that?
Softness is beautiful in a man. (Why should I remember a child at school, a year older than me, saying “You’re soft as shite?” Why should that be with me, now, still mattering?)
Reverting would be a bit of a faff. I can’t afford a whole new wardrobe. Would I need packing in the swimming pool? Would people notice my breasts? I would be terribly self-conscious, and it would be my own judgment of myself which would matter, all my anger and fear. The adulation and worshipful reverence of every single human being is not enough if I despise myself.
I would need to avoid the risk of osteoporosis. Would it be a straight choice between continuing oestradiol and going on T? If I took T, would that change me? We are different people, yet the same, at twenty and eighty- my difference might be greater. It is so important to us, to say, “This is the real me, who I have always been”- yet chemicals and experiences change us. I am a process, affected by experience and new ideas- whatever happens, it is not me who will be here in ten years, but another person.
I want that person to be happy. That needs self-respect.
Now, transphobia affects me. “You’re not women!” say the transphobes. “Men force their way into women’s space, where they are not wanted!” I doubt my authenticity. That might make me revert. Authenticity is important to me.
What is authenticity? Is it possible?