Reverting IV

If I reverted, could I hold my head high again?

It’s not that people might say, “What a fool! He had his balls cut off, and now he admits it was a mistake!” Some might say that, but only immature people, lashing out in their suffering.

It’s that, having decided I like myself, that I am loveable, would I be able to see myself as a man, yet with this character and qualities, as remotely worthy of respect? Could I have self-respect as a man?

Men are not supposed to be like that.

Where does that idea come from? I am not sure I would judge another harshly, for being like this. It is very strong in me. It might be a large part of my decision to transition.

I am not supposed to be like that. So the only way I could escape that judgment was to transition. If you are considering transition, now, considering starting on hormones, a useful question might be, Who am I, really? Why should a man not be like that?

Softness is beautiful in a man. (Why should I remember a child at school, a year older than me, saying “You’re soft as shite?” Why should that be with me, now, still mattering?)

Reverting would be a bit of a faff. I can’t afford a whole new wardrobe. Would I need packing in the swimming pool? Would people notice my breasts? I would be terribly self-conscious, and it would be my own judgment of myself which would matter, all my anger and fear. The adulation and worshipful reverence of every single human being is not enough if I despise myself.

I would need to avoid the risk of osteoporosis. Would it be a straight choice between continuing oestradiol and going on T? If I took T, would that change me? We are different people, yet the same, at twenty and eighty- my difference might be greater. It is so important to us, to say, “This is the real me, who I have always been”- yet chemicals and experiences change us. I am a process, affected by experience and new ideas- whatever happens, it is not me who will be here in ten years, but another person.

I want that person to be happy. That needs self-respect.

Now, transphobia affects me. “You’re not women!” say the transphobes. “Men force their way into women’s space, where they are not wanted!” I doubt my authenticity. That might make me revert. Authenticity is important to me.

What is authenticity? Is it possible?

Allan Ramsay, Jean-Jacques Rousseau

10 thoughts on “Reverting IV

  1. I think it’s been said before, you’re human before any other label. Labels are useful for generally grouping and cutting thought or speech corners, but don’t mean more than a drop about an individual. How many other women in history have been told they’re not real women? There are always small groups of idiots who crave exclusivity so they can feel better about themselves, or simply want to tread on others. Never take them seriously or let them influence how you feel about yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I begin my transition in Jan. My mother and sister have revealed themselves as transphobes. “If you do not have a XX chromosome”, they say “you are a man pretending to be a woman”. Sigh…

      I don’t believe that. If I change my body to a woman’s form, I live as a woman, and am accepted as a woman, then I am a woman.

      I don’t need the negatively of transphobes in my life and am reconsidering my relationship with my mother and sister.

      BTW, I have followed you for years. This is my first post here…

      Like

      • Yes, you have, haven’t you? About five years. “Lurking” is absolutely fine. Six thousand people have visited this year so far, and a tiny number of them have commented. But commenting creates friendships. Joan, I am delighted you have commented.

        January- 2016? 2017?

        I stopped seeing my sister, and saw my father far less as his wife objected. You have to do what you have to do.

        Well, you have read me. Reverting is always at the back of my mind. And I am clear we have an absolute right to transition, and the cost to others of accepting us is so little that they ought to pay it, for the greater good of all.

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          • If people ask me to edit a comment for a typo, I generally will. Congratulations on your transition. I hope it makes you happy and free.

            You might be XX. My friend was delighted to find she had Klinefelter’s syndrome, XXY.

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    • I had thought before that I should not see that woman, but storyending’s encounter with DB really shocked me. I don’t know why she wants to see me. I took off my wig to put on my cycle helmet, but we stayed talking. “You have a lovely male energy” she said, without all the frippery you were in when I first saw you. So I will see her a week on Friday. Onywye, she and Thirdwaytrans and the thought of the interview I will get if I put in the job application open on my computer now affect me.

      So I think “This is who I am”- then, Is it? Need it be?

      I am not merely how I present. The surface mask is intensely important to me. I have hidden behind it. I feel a post coming on…

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  2. It’s funny that you wonder whether you could be confident as a feminine man (I assume that’s what you meant, anyway). When I announced I was going to transition, what I heard from my family was that I was not tomboyish enough, I was too soft, I was attracted to men… in other words, how could I be a man inside if I wasn’t hyper masculine?

    Of course, I don’t see it that way. I like my body post transition. I like looking in a mirror and seeing someone who feels like me. So what if I squeal over babies, prefer art to sports and exclusively date men? That’s who I am, and I’m happy. So I guess my answer is, of course you can be confident as a feminine man, but only if that’s an identity that feels right to you in the first place.

    Like

    • For me, transition liberated my personality, more than reconciled me with my body, which is still wrong in several ways. And also how you said on that other post, if women were feminine there would be no need to force them to be so. But there is coercion, cultural and social, and “harridan” is such a condemning word. Though of course some women are feminine, and the meaning of the word is elusive.

      It is could I be confident in that could I accept myself? If it doesn’t feel right to me is that because of conditioning or some elusive authenticity?

      I am so pleased you like your body. I am glad you are here.

      Liked by 1 person

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