Be of good cheer. Let cheerfulness become a climate that surrounds you, day in, day out … a constant undercurrent. On the surface you may be doing anything, but deep down there should be a singing heart. Unless you can remain cheerful, life is bound to become heavier everyday … the only thing that can keep you flowing is cheerfulness. So don’t miss an opportunity; whenever you can, laugh, smile, dance, sing … Then a miracle happens one day: you become so full of light that you can go into darkness and the darkness disappears. You become so cheerful that you can go into sadness and the sadness starts laughing.
On Sunday 21st I was in a state of misery and terror. I felt not grounded: not knowing anything, not able to know anything, my not knowing a threat to my well-being so that I could not care for myself. I thought, these feelings will pass, and answered myself- only because I blot them out! They are the rational response to the situation!
What brought it on? I knew my friend was just not that interested in me. We would have gone for a drink but she had no time. Then I phoned G for a chat and found they had been together. Possibly something around not-knowing:
there are these feminist arguments for or against innate differences between the sexes, and I would like to argue for differences- but feel unable. I would face too much hostility. I argued against. It seemed clear to me. Then I read evidence for- and am just confused. So much on the web is people so certain, and I can’t be. Cis people are arguing about me, and trans folk butting in face such hostility! I should ignore it, but it is on places I go. So the ungroundedness.
I was read as lower class. I was in the coffee shop, dressed for cycling, and picked up The Guardian. “Would you like this?” said a man, offering me The Express. No, I like papers with a higher reading-comprehension level. “No thanks, I’m left wing,” I said. I phoned the Samaritans, and he said “You’re clearly highly educated and intelligent” early in the call, just after
-Is there a name I can call you?
and I felt his surprise, and conscious readjustment
Or, it’s small child again. The monster will get me. Imminent death.
I wasn’t in the terror when I phoned. The worst had passed, and I felt tired and fragile. Seeing it like weather helps some people- don’t go out when it’s raining too hard. It isn’t always raining. I felt I would always have to battle through the rain.
I am so lonely. Contact on the net is no substitute. I want to feel useful- but then, in work I did not always either, I was following procedures rather than doing anything worthwhile. Walking in the park, I feel moments of delight in beauty- but am unsure I like the experience of the whole walk. Or, sometimes, biting into a peach-
I am aware of the mindfulness theory, that such moments are available continuously. I want them to be. Is it my judgment, accepting or resisting in the moment, rather than the thing itself?