Attention II

I want to blend into the background in the most eye-catching way possible.

So Philip told me, referring to what I was wearing- ugly, dull, unusual. I now take this phrase as symbolising yet another of my incompatible desires. Loving totally different things is liberating when they are compatible, as I love the country and the city, and sometimes debilitating, as when I wanted to express myself female and wanted to make a man of myself, which I could only eventually reconcile by deciding to transition.

He might not have meant this, but it still fits what I want- to stand before an audience with a microphone, and to hide away from sight, at home. To blog my most personal feelings and hide behind a screen. The high from the microphone made re-entry after painful, especially when I did not know what it was. Knowing it, I might deal with it. And I can do both.

I wonder if one of these is more a reaction to circumstances, and the other in some way my state resisting those influences. Both would be “Real me”- real me is a phantasm. I have to live amid those circumstances and influences. But the time when I am most susceptible to such influence is as a child, and I might hide away my propensities under a censure which is now only in my own mind, and not in my society.

Writing on 30 January: I will live with this, and see if other understandings come to me.

Wanting attention could be primeval, the baby wanting mother’s attention. Hiding was my mother’s way, and also H’s: she told me almost no-one knew her as well as I do, except her wife. It seems cowardly, inadequate, wrong- so wanting attention could be over-compensating. Does either fit who I am, now?

 ♥♥♥

31 January: Why would children act up for attention, even hostile attention? Because humans interact, and they need to learn how, and test themselves against adults.

22 February: Now, after my terror yesterday, I am fully in hiding from the world mode, which feels depressive and boring and uncreative, yet right now is what I want. No particular new understanding has come to me this month, just awareness of conflicting desires and dissatisfaction.

23 February: I am “a bit depressed, actually”- that is, depressed. From here, it feels going on stage, or even just interacting, is risky; childish attention-seeking, in which I miss the point, and make an idiot of myself. I must remember the warm applause of a hundred people at Greenbelt.

flowing woman

9 thoughts on “Attention II

  1. Being human entails a lot of different things. How we deal with them is all part of who we are as individuals. While we have a lot in common there are no two of us exactly alike and there never will be. We all must do our best to get on with the life we have as long as we have it.

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    • We all indeed do our best, even those who feel themselves completely unable to cope and attempt suicide. We are not exactly alike, but enough of us have enough in common to make analogies from others’ shared, expressed experience, in an attempt to understand our own.

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  2. So, I don’t know much about this and I suspect you do in terms of the theory. As a child we all need a cup filled with love and appreciation so we have a core of self-confidence to face the world as an adult. If we don’t get that as child, there are ways to reach it later on but it’s not a core – it’s a cup with holes that needs constantly filling. And it’s tiring, it’s draining, finding enough to keep filling the cup. Someone told me that once and it stuck with me as logical, and applicable to many people I know. Hope things are better.

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    • I think one can get beyond the cup with holes, at least intermittently. Occasionally, I have the feeling that as a body, a personality, a being, I am beautiful and valuable. Everybody has down moments. I am not sure where the concept of a “spoiled” child comes, the one who gets too much affirmation and not enough curbing.

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  3. I love to be understood and I really can’t cope with being misunderstood. My younger daughter knows she’s loved but needs to be understood. I feel it may be more than just love that the child in us needs. It sounds like your Jan and Feb days have been rather low but hope something will shift sgain soon.

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  4. It was from my wife that I learnt that people crave attention. It had never occurred to me that such a desire existed. I had always preferred avoiding it as more times than not my intentions were misunderstood. I used the wrong body language, the wrong intonation or volume of voice, or day something that shouldn’t be voiced directly.

    So now I know, at least in theory, but I still often misread what attention is wanted and what the appropriate response should be.

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