The garden is very beautiful. I am able at will to enter that state of meditative presence, but here it is demanded of me: I took a few steps from the door, and paused, to look from above at the grounds; then a few steps further, looking over to the walled garden; then further, finally to the Magnolia. I am with the magnolia, seeing heaven in its soft, furry buds, my attention shifting to the whole. I touch the buds. I am in my senses. This is where I prepare myself.

A live-in job is intense, but I would have loved it. I barely noticed two candidates; two did not bother me, and then there was Rachel. I wish Rachel had not been there. I gave a good interview. Of course there are bits I regret- missing that out can’t have looked good- but I showed who I am. The final question was, “If we did not employ you, what would we be missing?” I expatiated on my wonderfulness: intelligence, stubbornness, emotional intelligence…

The first group exercise was, the six of you are on a boat with an irreparable hole and insufficient pump. The life-raft only takes two. Who goes? They started maundering about using bits of the boat as a raft. I said I wanted on the life-raft.

-What can you do for us, said one I barely noticed.
-Honour your memory.

The interview was Saturday. On Monday evening, I phoned my referee, who had not yet been contacted, and knew I had not got it. H texted wondering if I had heard but was too upset to let her know. No, I would let you know; later that day, I had the email, and did. She phoned to console me. Perhaps a little nest-building might do me good? She is not merely projecting her current concerns.

I was very upset on Tuesday, but realised that these are short-lived emotions, not enough to stop me trying again.

Sunday (today) I was at Meeting, at my exercise. I am cold, bored, and see little I can do for pleasure or to improve my situation. Godric bickered with his wife, complaining about her. She had got him up early, because I had emailed the meeting to say I needed a lift. Yes, I could have emailed to say I had one. “AACH! I am sorry you did not get that job,” he says. “It’s my distress, and not yours,” I shouted, turned my back and walked out. Then went back and hugged him to show no ill-will.

I do what I see I can do to improve my situation. I wish I saw more, or felt able to do more, but I do what I see I can do.

Degas, The Tub

4 thoughts on “Interview

  1. You have the right approach, and I can’t really say I understand the point of ‘what if’ questions. Mindfulness is difficult to maintain, though you have developed a good technique.

    I suggest the obvious. Since you have that technique, how about asking god what she wants you to do? I mean, ‘since I did not get that job, what are you trying to show me? And what would you like me to do, now?’ It can do no harm, can it?

    I love this picture. Naked, vulnerable but shielded, wiping the bottom of the bath. Delicious colouring, thank you. 🙂 xxx


    • That job would have sorted a lot of my problems. I would have had a roof, an income, and things to learn and do. A calling, fitting my gifts rather than my needs, feels different. I am confused about this. I have some value for my Quaker meeting.


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