The garden is very beautiful. I am able at will to enter that state of meditative presence, but here it is demanded of me: I took a few steps from the door, and paused, to look from above at the grounds; then a few steps further, looking over to the walled garden; then further, finally to the Magnolia. I am with the magnolia, seeing heaven in its soft, furry buds, my attention shifting to the whole. I touch the buds. I am in my senses. This is where I prepare myself.
A live-in job is intense, but I would have loved it. I barely noticed two candidates; two did not bother me, and then there was Rachel. I wish Rachel had not been there. I gave a good interview. Of course there are bits I regret- missing that out can’t have looked good- but I showed who I am. The final question was, “If we did not employ you, what would we be missing?” I expatiated on my wonderfulness: intelligence, stubbornness, emotional intelligence…
The first group exercise was, the six of you are on a boat with an irreparable hole and insufficient pump. The life-raft only takes two. Who goes? They started maundering about using bits of the boat as a raft. I said I wanted on the life-raft.
-What can you do for us, said one I barely noticed.
-Honour your memory.
The interview was Saturday. On Monday evening, I phoned my referee, who had not yet been contacted, and knew I had not got it. H texted wondering if I had heard but was too upset to let her know. No, I would let you know; later that day, I had the email, and did. She phoned to console me. Perhaps a little nest-building might do me good? She is not merely projecting her current concerns.
I was very upset on Tuesday, but realised that these are short-lived emotions, not enough to stop me trying again.
Sunday (today) I was at Meeting, at my exercise. I am cold, bored, and see little I can do for pleasure or to improve my situation. Godric bickered with his wife, complaining about her. She had got him up early, because I had emailed the meeting to say I needed a lift. Yes, I could have emailed to say I had one. “AACH! I am sorry you did not get that job,” he says. “It’s my distress, and not yours,” I shouted, turned my back and walked out. Then went back and hugged him to show no ill-will.
I do what I see I can do to improve my situation. I wish I saw more, or felt able to do more, but I do what I see I can do.