How to live

I have spent five hours today with six other people wrestling with what it means to be human. It has been hard work, trying to comprehend others’ views, or explain my own. Sabina quoted with approval Gospel of Thomas “logion 50”: “If they ask you, ‘What is the sign of your father within you?’ say to them, ‘It is movement and repose.'” One did not understand that at all. I chimed in, “It is like in the Tao, acting without intending, the perfect action for the moment feels like stillness”, and I am not sure it got through.

One of us believes in stages of spiritual growth. Despite his insistence that there is no hierarchy, and that people stay in the stage appropriate for them, he clearly sees these things as movement forward. Consider: Recognise the humanity of all people, including those who break society’s conventions or its laws. To me, recognising no out group or enemy or people not entitled to my fellow-feeling is a matter of evolution. Such attitudes enable human beings to live together in ever larger and more diverse groups. They inoculate me against Donald Trump’s poison; some want a wall against Mexico, and are delighted by his lie that he could produce one.

By contrast, my culturally feminine desire for reconciliation is a character trait, and competitiveness is equally valuable: society needs both. Eileen used to work for Relate, including training counsellors, most of whom were female. The men had a completely different way of thinking and, she said, it seemed they were teaching the men to think like women.

And while I seek forgiveness. “What do you want to do with that Christmas card?” I want to put it on my bookshelf, and every time I look at it think of the beauty, wonder and pain of that seven year relationship, celebrate its existence, mourn its passing. We each betrayed the other repeatedly. I want to think how wonderful H was and is. It’s not “Forgiveness” but reconciliation again. Though as a tactic for  moving on and having confidence for continued action, blame, resentment and celebration of self might be just as useful.

I don’t need control. The group is wiser than the individual. One believes himself wiser than the group, and finds proof in that he is an Innovator, whose ideas are taken up by others years or decades later. He passionately desires control.

One of us, as part of his work, sometimes has to restrain people. It is an act of violence. It always creates more problems than it solves, he says.

One of us sees self as a bad person, because of the angry internal monologue. Oh, I so desire to fix you! I told of my own anger, and how accepting it takes away its capacity to hurt me. It does not make me bad. I see the person hurting and so want them not to. They is not a bad person!

Is/Ought; we reconcile these through religion, thinks D; Jesus and the Buddha reconcile them most perfectly. What is, is, thinks S. Eileen suggests I come to the healing meeting.

-I must come to a healing meeting some time.
-Oh, that word again. “Must.” All your targets!

That made me break down, finally. Without my targets, I am like a puddle on the floor! And I dry up, and people walk mud into me!

A puddle. That’s a new metaphor. My despising of myself runs deep. She consoles me, I recover, her hybrid car moves off my parking space silently, the petrol motor only starting as it goes down the road. So beautiful! As is the Wendelstein 7X.

El Greco, Annunciation

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