Can I get a longer vagina? To see the Urological surgeon Phil Thomas to find out.
On the train I type my last two entries, and they clear my mind. I know I want this for itself not for any image or understanding of myself which I wish to preserve. It is liberating.
The answer seems to be No. He asks if I have a partner. Without a male partner, why do I care? Well, I had that one incident with Jim. He was beautifully generous, and I opened up to him. I mime it to communicate it better: I was closed up, turned away, self-protecting, curled up, and with gentle touch he brought me to relaxation and receptivity. It was a beautiful experience. It made me think that a physical relationship might be possible, even fulfilling.
He emphasizes risk. He says there is a 1% risk of adhesions, where the scar in the bowel heals up in such a way as to block the bowel. 1% sounds impossibly high. After her tumour was removed, my mother suffered adhesions and needed emergency surgery. She would have died otherwise. It is possible that the scar would leak fluids from the bowel into the flesh around it, causing appendicitis or other life-threatening complications.
The bowel itself is a natural tube, so does not need dilating; however the entrance hole is not, and does. He refuses to give any guidance on dilation: there are no rules. I would have to be dilating three times a day to start with and he has no idea how long I would have to be dilating six months later; but I would have to dilate life-long. Some people find the mucus generated by the bowel segment, and discharged, unpleasant; but if the entrance shrinks and the mucus builds up it can threaten health.
I am unlikely to get funding. As well as everything else, having paid for surgery abroad would count against me.
He examined me. There is no place to put my clothes, which seems crass, so I put them on the pillow. I am glad of the female chaperone. Then I lie back, prepare myself, relax, and a man I don’t know puts his finger up me. He tells me he can get about two phalanges of his middle finger in.
I could try dilating again. He offers to stretch me under general anaesthetic: I would be in as a day case, and need someone to escort me home. Oh, OK: there is no point in declining now, though I may refuse later.
I go East on the District Line, loving the poems on the Tube and feeling the sensation of cold lube in my crotch.