One standard interview question is how are you with team work. After yet another job I did not get, the interviewer fed back that he found it striking that my answer was wholly about what I would give to the team, and not what I could expect from it. I find it hard to ask for what I need, and do not expect my asking to succeed.
I raised all this with Serra after not seeing her for eleven weeks. She thought I had changed. I have. I am more relaxed. I pass better because I feel beautiful and worthwhile, and the new wig helps. I told her I do not give in until I am dangling from the end of a rope.
My own neuroses get in the way. The increasing babble of Christmas- the first bill-boards, others expressing loathing on facebook, a mother on the bus complaining that it means children demanding toys and wanting to know when- when- when: it drops me back in to my own loathing of Christmas and I close up. He mentioned a Christmas concert and I snapped at him.
Irritation comes from surprise. I expect you not to be late, I am irritated when you are. I know you may be late, I can accept it. It does not bother me so much. I am willing to accept that because I know what I gain.
Trust is so difficult, for both of us. I want to communicate, I am here for you. But then, I do want something, if I can come to negotiating wants…
Serra’s useful question was, What does she see in you? Mmm. I can fence verbally to a degree. I have a wide range of interests. This is worth thinking of. And that cycling in the dark, not giving up until I am dangling on the end of a rope, was a metaphor for the difficulties we face.
The first Remembrance poppy I saw on anyone was on the Tube last Friday, on a young homeless man, in dirty jeans, and several dirty fleeces and coats, talking to himself. The seats either side of him were empty, though I don’t know what anyone feared from him, or even how they noticed: I do not study people at all, before sitting down. I would hate to be isolated like that, on the crowded tube.