Disobedience

I don’t know if I am hormonal. I don’t know if any particular cause of stress is something to wind up the most unflappable person, or something only the personification of PMS would possibly find irritating. But perhaps I should just enjoy it.

What was stressing me yesterday morning (“Fuck fuck fuck fuck…”, you know the drill) was getting to Luton by 11am today. To avoid the stress, I decided not to bother, and got there by lunchtime.

-Are you not eating?
-I was away from home and could not make lunch.
-Would you like a banana?
-I knew someone would get genuine pleasure from helping me out. I am providing a service.
-I’m sorry, I can only offer a marmite sandwich.
-You are feeding me, and you are apologising?

Quakers. Honestly.

-I’m beautiful. I feel beautiful for the first time in my life.
-Do you mean inner beauty? Joyce is confused, and I am insulted.
-Bugger inner beauty and sod wisdom, I am talking about surfaces. I love being Shallow!

Later, introduce yourself and share anything you like. Joyce is 46, and upset by the lines on her face. She does not like ageing. I go next. “I am Abigail, and I am Beautiful.”

In the dancing, I am still, exploring dancing with my feet rooted to the floor. Timmy does not like this, but rather than asking me to move he issues a general instruction that anyone wishing to be still should move to the side. So I stay. He gives the same general instruction, and I decide to do the opposite of anything he says. “Breathe” is a difficult one: I hold my breath for half a minute. I notice the others, instructed to move forward in fours, look round worriedly: are there four already? We so want to conform.

Observant folk will notice I am boasting of small disobediences. Well, I am backward, have never learned to push boundaries, always wanted to win approval by conformity, but such approval if given at all is worthless. Baby steps.

Georges Rouget, Cupid pleads Venus to pardon Psyche

2 thoughts on “Disobedience

  1. When I see the ups and downs that you describe and I see in my wife, I sometimes wish I too could experience them, even once. I’ve never felt the need to conform or rebel, but sometimes I long long to be able to ride the emotional roller coaster, just to know what I’m missing or what I’m free of.

    Like

    • Well, you could always try the pills I am on. Some would think the risk of permanent impotence and infertility is too great, but it depends how much you want it.

      I feel if I can ride that rollercoaster, if I can fling my arms in the air shouting WHEEEEEE!!!! and love the fastest point where I hit the dip and start ascending and corkscrewing, it is definitely what you’re missing.

      Liked by 1 person

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