Welcome insanity

I need to tell you this. I don’t know how. I imagine uncomprehending laughter at the ridiculous trans.

There are things I could do, but there is nothing I have to do today. The forecast is heavy rain until late afternoon. I feel some lassitude and imagine I will spend a great deal of time watching TV.

By the way, I love Missy on Doctor Who. Not only has she changed sex, she dresses like a tranny. And she has that wonderful volcanic take no shit personality: “No, I have not turned guid“, she says, going Scottish and killing someone just to make her point.

It might be better to tidy my room, or sort my weekend- I can go dancing if X, so I would be well to check the possibility of X. It would be lovely to see B again. Instead, I want to dress up. I want to dress in a feminine fashion, though I will not be going out or seeing anyone. I want to manifest as utterly girly, simply for myself.

My enraged contempt at this desire stuns me. So it really is all about the clothes. It affirms the theory of autogynephilia: it is how the clothes make me feel, nothing more. It is not rational or sensible- though neither was transition, of course- to put on the heating rather than to put on a thicker sweater. Well, I don’t want to put on a sweater, I want to wear something pretty.

I overcome my enraged contempt, and do what I want. It makes no sense except that it is what I want.

I don’t rate my dress sense highly. That is why I said Missy dresses like a tranny- flamboyant but completely unfashionably, that cameo brooch at the neck was fashionable some time in the 90s. This long, soft skirt which I call “feminine”- well, Suzy passed the message on that I should show off my legs, and that is more fashionable, in leggings or short skirts. Well, this skirt is what I have. I don’t know what other clothes I would want.

It seems to me this is the only way I know how to pamper or affirm myself. All that resistance- it is stupid, pointless, ridiculous, imagining the raucous laughter of tout le monde- So now I am sitting, writing, and this is all I have done: I paced the floor, I made my decision, I showered and dressed, and it is lunch time. And I am exhausted by that work, such that this afternoon I will do little beyond watching telly or perhaps staring into space. Ruminating, thinking this over, noticing the truth of it.

(I’m NOT RUMINATING!!!! I thought this morning. I AM MAKING PROGRESS!! I DO THIS FOR ME!!!)

Hundreds of people come here from t-central, and some of them click several links in my menu, and none of them ever leaves a comment. Does this speak to you, at all? This is the only way I have to value myself, this is the only thing I know to do, purely for myself. I feel such delight and misery, pride and shame- that this is all I know, and that I am doing it.

Titian, Venus of Urbino

Of course I have been here before. I like to think I am making progress, but perhaps not. So I care for myself in some inchoate way, just in this moment, and delight in it, not doing anything which my inner rationalist would approve of. I sense the resistance. I am aware how much I fight myself. I seek to find patterns, it is the human thing to do, and perhaps there are none. And yet- right now I am doing what I want to do, rather than what makes sense, and I hope that is a good thing.

4 thoughts on “Welcome insanity

  1. You value logic and rationality highly. Well, part of you does. Another part of you seeks to refute this by being utterly illogical – putting on a dress instead of a thick jumper….And I sense there is a war in you between the sensible, rational part, and the other. Hostility is not unusual, coming from the sensible rational, in the face of such frivolity as you describe. And your war may be especially acute, and even hurtful, leaving your gentle self stunned. It is common for the ego to argue until it stuns…..

    I’m sorry that you are berating your softer self, and pleased that she dresses as she pleases. Rationality and logic are only human constructs, after all, and rarely answer the bigger questions.

    We are here to experience being more than the sum of our parts.

    Now, maybe you could give me some advice? I feel sorely in need of it.

    Bless you! XXX 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    • Logic and rationality makes me feel safe.

      I am in a sulk, and do things to spite. These are different “I”s. At war with myself I feel less than any individual part. And you are right, the rationality can be useful sometimes.

      Thank you. ❤ ❤ ❤

      Like

    • Where I am now:

      I matter. While happiness is in itself perhaps not the best main goal, taking all things into account I am better happy than not. I am worth looking after. At my request, I have spent the afternoon talking over my issues with a loving, gentle couple who gave me lunch, then listened and said wise things (my judgment is that they are wise, no irony here) and I am feeling affirmed.

      Like

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