Trust, safety, clarity, Love

The post I have avoided writing. I put my face in his, and said “Fuck you. Fuck right up you.” I continued on this theme, and when he turned his face away and said “I’ve already apologised” (I had not heard it) I still continued. All my anger and frustration came out at him. He approached me later and we discussed the incident, at the stall where I was telling Greenbelt about Quakers. Well, he had told me not to behave discourteously, in a way which I had not actually intended to behave, and I took umbrage; and it was raining, which is difficult at a festival; but my frustration was at you (I told him at other things as well as him).

It occurred to me that you had let me down deliberately, and perhaps just because it occurred to me I have no trust, so should stop bothering with this. More likely you did not take sufficient care not to, and I resent your lack of care for me- so again should stop bothering, perhaps. Well, no-one else was two hours late, though possibly it was a series of unfortunate events. Then I did not speak to you. I did not say what I wanted, or ask what you wanted.

At that other time, I thought you were showing insufficient care, and then we got into a pointless argument: I did not receive your text, only one saying “message cannot be displayed”- I believe you sent it because you said so. That is what I wanted to get across. I seem to have communicated doubt that you sent it.

If not for Stuff, this could be perfect. Well, there is Stuff. Some of it is just who I am, I might be like this with anyone; and any friendship has tensions-

Do I want you, or someone entirely different who exists only in my imagination? What would I do to get you? I would self-censor, seek to manage you by not showing parts of me you had indicated were unacceptable, building resentment in myself and not communicating. I know because I have done this and agonised about it. I want to be influenced by you: I want to add your responses to the world, to my range of options.

I do not want to say that this game is over. So I did not want to write this. Yet if I try to continue with it, my resentment of you may be too great- I already blame you, it is your fault, you should have been different. Or I resent the how World is. I have still been thinking, the solution is

See reality. Accept reality.

Because loving the wonderful being that I see imperfectly, but there are things I am clear that I see that are Wonderful, seems possible-

3 thoughts on “Trust, safety, clarity, Love

  1. There is always stuff. But how much is in our own imaginations, and how much is real? What is real? Sorry for the existential angst…..I have created thoughts of an unhappiness long ago, which I am now assured, is not and was not there. So I made that up, and now, I think only ‘what a waste of time that was’ and am filled with regret.

    To maintain serenity, shall we be gentle with ourselves? In doing that, the mirror reflects other people’s gentleness back at us, and we maintain our calmness. Anything else, any other reaction, simply continues to rock the boat.

    There’s no point avoiding truth, is there? But harshness? – that is probably our self looking for love…..and wishing life was less complicated.

    Hugs! 🙂 xxxx

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    • While unconsciously harsh with myself, I could be very gentle with others’ need, but harsh with what I thought their obligations. Becoming conscious of my harshness, it is hard to let it go or see an alternative or even just not see it as natural and obviously right.

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      • Hard to let harshness go? Why, girl, you can sass it with the best of them, but you don’t have to! Humans are naturally kind and gentle, so just float. 🙂

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