At Charing Cross Gender Identity Clinic, Serra the psychotherapist grants me absolution over something which puzzles and shames me- or helps me find it for myself, which is better.
At the election, I felt it would be good to campaign for the Green Party. It seemed like a desire: to put leaflets through doors, to support our candidate, her motivation and her activity. Yet I did not, when others were doing it or on my own. I wondered at this. I have read that the best liars are the ones who believe their own lies, and wondered if this was me, pretending to a moral position others would find attractive without the reality of it. Nor was I certain how to distinguish a real desire from a fake one like this: I would like to place some reliance on conscious judgment as well as what I unconsciously do. I would feel more in control, even if that feeling was an illusion.
She called it the difference between what I want and what I feel I should want. It is alright to rebel against the Shoulds, to be myself. I am not conflicted, not really.
The day before, I saw Dr Lorimer, and asked him about the colo-vaginoplasty, which I had thought of asking since I first saw him twenty months ago. He said he might refer me to a surgeon. Oh! What do I feel about this? It is not the same as my previous surgery, as what I have now is so much better than what I had before that. Yet my opening scarcely accommodates two phalanges of a finger. It brings up old stuff, of the horrors of dilation and my sense of shame at failure.
I Want an opening in me, though I do not understand, though I am entirely gynaephile. It cannot be social pressure. I remember my mother’s adhesions after her bowel operation, for the removal of a cancer, and how sick they made her- but surgery has moved on a great deal in twenty years. Serra can help, giving me ideas about how to contact people who have had the operation. She herself has heard both good and bad experiences of this op from her patients.
I had expected Dr Lorimer to discharge me, and instead he referred me to his colleague Dr Lenihan. I thought, why should I see her, what good would that do me? My appointment is in November, and I may not attend. But I love to see Serra, who says lovely things, making me glow-
–Because I believe them, she says-
and because I feel I am growing and changing and she helps.
I also asked him why take hormones, and he said, to avoid osteoporosis. Again, that makes little sense to me. People report a huge gain in energy on HRT, and it has seemed to affect my emotional lability. I should have challenged him, perhaps. Perhaps it is true.
I noted after that I said about that, how our unnamed understanding is real. (Today, Saturday, I feel such happiness having had a text from her.)
I make connections, I talk to people in the street, and that day I tried a high risk one: a woman, talking on her phone by the pedestrian crossing, said “He likes me!” I turned to her and said “Congratulations”. This merely confused her, it was not a good connection, and it will not put me off.
I told Serra of the Oresteia, and she said “I love hearing you on that play.” It was the right play at the right time for me. It made me understand it better.