Gender counselling III

I feel completely powerless.
-There’s your power, said Serra.
Oh! Yeah.

There’s the hook. Details: I told her I felt completely powerless, and she referred back to an incident I had described. So, what happened? What did you see? What did you do?
-I did that. Well, I had to, for this clear reason.
-Uh-HUUH, she said, grinning. Okay, it was not just for that reason, though I was not clear on that at the time.
-There’s your power, she said. You make connections. Yes, I do.

That was Friday. Yesterday was completely wonderful. I shone. I may unpack this more later, but I clerked the Quaker Area Meeting, and did it beautifully, getting through business expeditiously, giving people space to express their hearts’ leadings, which they did: I have created a space at our AM where we can open to each other, which is what I have worked to create over the last two years, and it came together Yesterday. I wrote a minute expressing those leadings compendiously yet elegantly. Then after, I had a drink with H.

My ankle’s a bit dicky, so I did not cycle to Meeting today. Bit hung over, bit tired after the so successful Effort I put in yesterday, then the glorious encounter.

I had the thought, there are two completely wonderful, unlooked-for things in my life. Both could end at any time. (There are many other wonderful things in my life, and I suppose they could end too- like life itself! Yet these two are the things I have fretted most about ending.)

I had felt, I am not in control. They could end. The thought has horrified me, even paralysed me. Yet this morning I had the thought, I am still an actor. I am not merely blown around by winds, I am responding. Would I want to be moving other people like chess pieces? Tempting though it is- it is the theme of “The Captive” in In Search of Lost time- I have regretfully to realise that would be boring and unpleasant too. Serra asked, “What would you prefer?” It is hard to think of anything.

So, panicky stress- These Things could END!
then the realisation from Serra that I cannot control, but I can influence, respond, entice

I am beautiful. That is the key to it- I am worthy of life– these realisations calm my panicky terror like a Mother visiting her hysterical infant in the cot, and picking him up. I have seen myself as worthless, and now I am valuing myself. Things fall into place.

It felt like I only have power to push people away, to turn my face to the wall, yet Serra showed me my true power, to make connections, to turn my Love on people and charm, heal or move them. If I try this in terror, lacking confidence, and fail, it increases my confusion and immobility. In that incident, Serra said, “You were Open”. Yes, I was.

Boldini, profile of a young woman

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