Hate and love

My thought that someone was more intelligent than I provoked amazed disbelief. So you’re very very very intelligent and she’s- pause to count the veries- very very very very intelligent? Yet I got a 2:2. I did not want to do the work. Or I wasn’t clever enough, or not engaged and interested, or had other desires, or-

it is important to see these things clearly-

“Have mercy on yourself!” said Menis, and “You are very hard on yourself” said Andy. I judge myself harshly. I did less and less voluntary work and job-seeking until I withdrew, and still half of me was kicking the other half in the kidneys shouting “Get up Get up DO SOMETHING!” Now I am still frightened of the future, frightened of possible homelessness, yet with little motivation.

I have no partner, children, house, job, savings, pension. I am alone and vulnerable.

I have been so ashamed of who I am. I was Worthless, only of value for what I could achieve, yet wanting to hide away because anyone seeing my Shadow (most of me) would be revolted. In Carl Rogers’ terms, my self-concept and organismic self felt separate. Then I found my Vulnerable Bit, soon renamed Real Self, and more recently as I come to accept my shadow, I feel ashamed of denying it for so long, and ashamed of hiding away now. Shame is my Iron Maiden.

And I am beautiful. All this in me which I have denied and repressed is beautiful. Because I have repressed it, I have no partner, children, etc…

So from hating and despising myself for not being other than I am, more intelligent, with more energy and motivation, I could move to hate my parents for screwing me up quite this badly, except that they always did their best, and I have first “forgiven” them then Accepted them, delighted in their struggles and strength.

And I could move to hate the World. It has Oppressed me! All those evangelical Christians, and the unthinking despising of Queers and anything not Normal, which came from Victorian times and lasts, in pockets, even now; those Evangelical “Christians” or Catholics who write that LGBT is “intrinsically disordered” or Against God’s Will, the Tories wanting to repeal the Human Rights Act…

I have met people more intelligent than me before, but two men stick in my mind- the one who came to CAB about his pension, had read the regulations and tried to explain them to me repeating incessantly “Are you wi’ me, are you wi’ me?” I wasn’t, but did not realise that until later, I wanted to be the one explaining. And, more tragically, a big man in a thick black coat, stinking of- probably urine- a mass of anger almost unable to speak, radiating

Resentment

An anti-role model. A place I might yet not avoid.

I want to transmute it into love. As with my parents I see their strength and struggles, so with the World: to see all its beauty, all the support I get- for while my life has never seemed easy, it really has been- all the progress, Good, Healing.

If I see the World as it is
there is nothing I can do but

LOVE

Renoir, Patineurs au bois de Boulogne

5 thoughts on “Hate and love

        • This is part of my project, though. I found my blind spots- eg, “I lie to myself because I want to see myself as a good person”- I found the things about reality which I found so painful I had to deny them. I do not trust my seeing, and seek to see better. Negativity and positivity are a good example of this, as I feel that I understand more and respond better when I see things in a positive way. Though it seems to me you have at least good-enough standards.

          A friend told me that a man she knew at school got married, then came out as gay aged 26. But, she said, everyone could see he was gay, apart from him. Years later, he looked at childhood photos of himself, and saw it too: “Of course the boy’s gay”.

          Liked by 1 person

          • And it took him such a long time to see it and that’s because of other people’s standrads that blind us or channel out vision into “what should be”…I know “reality” it that to which we wake up to every day but that too can be a “smooth” one if we see a bit of positive in everything even in the ugliest we can imagine imagine… at the end of the day I have found that the “world” will accept us (warts and all) if we accept ourselves even if that world at times may seen uneasy about the “acceptance” of something it thinks “not fit” but seeing people accept that very thing as something very normal is exactly what makes that “not fitting” thing actually fit in! I’m rambling perhaps but rambling with sense and truth…let the world fit in rather than us fit into it 🙂

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