I have just chosen what to have for lunch:
Mmm. What do I want, now? I don’t yet know all that I will have, but I would like an apple. I pick it up. It is beautiful, with so many different reds, and some very slight bruising which interests rather than offending me. When I bring it close to my nose and inhale deeply, its aroma is clear. So rich!
I take a bite. I stand still and close my eyes, to be aware of it. I hear the crunch of my teeth forcing into the apple, taste its sweetness, feel its juice flowing down my throat. I chew, aware of taste and juice, and then swallow. The next bites are not so intense, but I remain aware. My apple has all my attention, while I am eating it.
What next? I choose a bread roll, with cheese. (I forgot I had Branston pickle.) I could scramble eggs, cook something more substantial, go down the street for a cooked brunch- by bicycle or walking or bus- or have oatcakes and cheese. I spend some time contemplating my bread roll, then get out the bread knife and the side-plate knife and lay them on the work-surface.
And I will have tea. 750ml in the kettle- too much? No, just what I want.
I did not breach with my usual habits, but I chose, consciously, what to have for lunch, and gave it my attention. I always have the same things, because that takes no thought at all, and nourishes my body above the acceptable minimum.
What about that damned woman? There is nothing I can do to bring us together, for an hour or a month, so I call on resentment to free myself. Try playing these games with someone who is “in your league”, and see where that gets you. What I can offer is rich, deep Love which will nourish and heal you, but if your complex feelings and past hurts get in the way, then fuck off. I hurt too, and my feelings are difficult for me.
To state the problem again, I am work-shy. While I go out into diverse social situations with pleasure, the thought of going into a place of work and doing stuff to achieve some end– warehouse work or statutory drafting, being told what to do and doing it, whether or not for money, terrifies me so much that I go into avoidance behaviour, and that if my ESA stopped I might just not bother with JSA, but curl up into a ball. I’m going to get sanctioned anyway, so why bother?
What about that wonderful woman? Possibly she will approach, and we would come together, seeing each Other; and possibly she will not, and I have no need of her. Allow the intensity of the feeling, and allow it to go. (Though I may have driven her off with two ill-judged emails. Oh No! Not the Send button! I know my judgment is less good, at midnight! If I have, I might never hear again from her. The Unknowing hurts!)
I can’t do that with work, yet. Before I started as a solicitor, I thought- “I cannot endure this job. I have to enjoy it”. And then fought the flow and denied it, and sought my pointless illusory goals in pointless illusory ways.
Could mindfulness help me bear the world, and me in it?