With Tina Livingston, the best counsellor I have ever met, I went into a mild hypnotic state.
-My mother said that I was happy when my pram was under a tree, and I looked up at the sun through its leaves.
-What was that like?
I laid back on the couch, and was there. I felt rage, frustration, terror.
On the Hoffman process, we did exercises to let our unconscious speak directly, as if seeing visions. Supine, I reverted to babyhood. My mother looked down at me and said,
-I never wanted you.
These are not memories as one would understand them. They could be confabulation. As I went through my period of hatred and loathing of my mother, and then forgiveness- for she did her best, under difficult circumstances, like most ev’body- they were essential to my understanding of that relationship and of my development. I still think of them. I have needed them.
Why? is the child’s question. Parallel to coming to self-acceptance, I have been asking,
Why am I not as I ought to be?
Why do I not have what I ought to have?
So I have come up with reasons. My parents could not cope with my femininity, any more than my father’s, so denied it, so I denied and suppressed it and tried to be something I was not. And failed. Etcetera.
Why am I/ Why is my life this crap? Whose fault is it? It is the heart of negative thinking, though it has perhaps moved me towards self-acceptance.
Today I am born again. The premise of the question has ceased to apply.
I am who I ought to be I am where I ought to be I have what I ought to have
The need for the reasons falls away.
I have been depressed, and I went into Meeting yesterday in turmoil. I read QFP in an attempt to calm myself and be still. I read a quote,
Hitherto the Lord hath helped me
and it calmed me. It is true.
I was considering writing, “The next question is, what shall I do now?” Ah. That’s it.
I shall meditate.