The reason why

With Tina Livingston, the best counsellor I have ever met, I went into a mild hypnotic state.

-My mother said that I was happy when my pram was under a tree, and I looked up at the sun through its leaves.
-What was that like?
-Let’s see.
I laid back on the couch, and was there. I felt rage, frustration, terror.

On the Hoffman process, we did exercises to let our unconscious speak directly, as if seeing visions. Supine, I reverted to babyhood. My mother looked down at me and said,
-I never wanted you.

These are not memories as one would understand them. They could be confabulation. As I went through my period of hatred and loathing of my mother, and then forgiveness- for she did her best, under difficult circumstances, like most ev’body- they were essential to my understanding of that relationship and of my development. I still think of them. I have needed them.

Why? is the child’s question. Parallel to coming to self-acceptance, I have been asking,

Why am I not as I ought to be?
Why do I not have what I ought to have?

So I have come up with reasons. My parents could not cope with my femininity, any more than my father’s, so denied it, so I denied and suppressed it and tried to be something I was not. And failed. Etcetera.

Why am I/ Why is my life this crap? Whose fault is it? It is the heart of negative thinking, though it has perhaps moved me towards self-acceptance.

Today I am born again. The premise of the question has ceased to apply.

I am who I ought to be
I am where I ought to be
I have what I ought to have

The need for the reasons falls away.

I have been depressed, and I went into Meeting yesterday in turmoil. I read QFP in an attempt to calm myself and be still. I read a quote,

Hitherto the Lord hath helped me

and it calmed me. It is true.

Charles Le Brun, Horatius on the Bridge

I was considering writing, “The next question is, what shall I do now?” Ah. That’s it.

I shall meditate.

6 thoughts on “The reason why

  1. You are very loved by me. Yes, you are, so there we are.

    Yes, I know what it is to feel desperately lonely, even in the midst of happiness and excitement. So many mixed emotions! We can feel such contradiction, that it almost pulls us to pieces. And then, we get to blessed sleep and our soul soars, and in the morning there is the hope of what the new day brings. As well as a friend on the end of the phone, if ever you wish to chat. πŸ˜‰

    I’m sorry I’ve been neglecting your posts. I love the way you write, your exactitude and compassion. But I love you more.

    XXX πŸ˜€


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