how can I protect myself from that
is not the right question
This is a way of saying get up and get on with it
That is not an answer
FUCKING get on with it
is all I can think of
Can’t be bothered
is my only answer
I really want a nice rhyming couplet to round this off
That is not an-
Get up or don’t.
A tempting way to protect myself is to abjure hope. I imagine my bitterness and resentment would remain at similar levels, without the misery I feel when they seem to end, then return. Rather, they would increase endlessly, until more unbearable than at any previous time.
Coming at this from another angle-
that, that that that that and that, and perhaps that, were all really horrible and hiding is the best answer I have come up with. Looking back- yeah, that I might have done better, that was bad luck- I don’t see anything I could do better that would radically have changed things, and could have spotted without hindsight. I can’t protect myself from it. And- some of it was a bit weird, even ludicrous.
The stakes are not as high as they seem in my unconscious mind. The monster gets me, I die, all that. No. It is just all weird: with this and the other, people behave weirdly, inexplicably, not at all how I would, ludicrously. My ridiculous concepts of human motivation, some of which I label fairness or honour, do not seem to apply to others. My magic spells- be good, find the rules and obey them- do not protect me; but in reality I do not need protected. The monster is in my mind.
My dialogue is still,
-Fucking get up!
– don wanoo
-get up or don’t
but just perhaps,
if I might just