Acceptance XLVI

I cannot accept the world unless I accept myself.

Having retreated from the world, little affects me. That was why I did it. I was befuddled and frustrated by work, so I gave up. Liz volunteers in a place with paid workers. She hears them complain about changes to their working patterns, and wishes they could just accept those changes. They might even embrace and enjoy those particular changes as Liz would- they involve working with children.

A change to my experience of WordPress angered and frightened me. Does that seem an extreme reaction? Well, I feel my anger was proportionate, of short duration. I started fearful thought of how it could presage further, even worse changes, and then started thinking of how I could cope with those changes.

As I felt my anger and fear, in the moment after the first stimulus of them, I judged myself. Anger and fear is a totally disproportionate reaction, I told myself sternly. (No wonder you can’t go out sometimes.) Whereas I can cope with changes to routine, if I gently explain them to myself. Part of my (over) reaction is bad experiences of change in the past.

First, I must accept my own reaction. It too will pass.

 ♥♥♥

My childhood way of Acceptance gets in the way. It was to suppress anger and fear and Get On With It. Mother Unhappy! Danger! Work out what she wants immediately and do it. However I felt about that in the moment would get in the way, then. My anger and fear made her unhappy and stopped me thinking through the right response. So I feared my anger and fear, which made my experience of them more painful.

In childhood that did the job. Now I have suppressed feeling too long and cannot suppress any more; and my feelings are a useful tool for perception. I know the current state is not eternal: these feelings and state of unknowing will pass. (I just have to realise that, in the moment.)

Chronic stress happens when stressors come along too quickly to deal with one before feeling the next. That was my experience most of the time I was working.

I feel there is a lesson here, and I want to be able to articulate it. Part of it is in my first sentence. If I accept how I react emotionally and trust the process, remembering such lessons as “This too shall pass”, I will be happier and better able to deal with the stressor.

Evelyn de Morgan, Cassandra

3 thoughts on “Acceptance XLVI

  1. Although quite removed from the matters you address here, Clare, the anger you write about made me think of the 1990’s movie “The First Wives’ Club” – a comedy – in it was a line around divorce when one of the wives says to another (whose hubby went with lover) “Don’t get angry – get everything!” 🙂 it says quite a lot including the fact that anger does stop us from going forth to our own advantage etc. We can dwell on things that make us angry, and at times we cannot help that, but if at all possible we need to find a way to get over the anger or fear for we all are a part of this world – warts and all 🙂

    Like

    • Anger can enervate or energise. It is our atavistic self, a pre-Primate reaction which gives other creatures energy for fight or flight, but depending on how we are socialised can bind us into inactivity. “Don’t get mad, get even” is another way of saying the wife’s words: find a way of channelling the anger.

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