Courage

I am a woman of courage, and I did something courageous today. But first I want to say where I am.

I have lived my life trapped beneath self-contempt so deep that until I was 33 I loathed and denied who I am: I pretended to myself I was something else so hard that I believed it. And I still have contempt for myself, though it lessens.

And in my years as a recluse I have moved from despising my femininity, to celebrating it. What keeps me here is my fear of the world, and my despair. So it would behove me to deal with those, as well as recognising and celebrating my achievement in accepting my own femininity.

I have always felt

that each success was only to be expected
so nothing to be proud of
but each failure was a
DISASTER
again proving beyond doubt my worthlessness.

Not particularly healthy.

One of the gifts of the Hoffman Process was to see how much we follow patterns ingrained in our parents, unfree whether we copy them or rebel. During that week I identified one of my patterns and called it “Shit-hoovering”- collecting stories about how threatening the World is, in order to justify fleeing it. Hoffman says that once one sees the pattern, one is freed and at choice whether to follow it or do something else. Um.

How great my fear is!

So, what was the courageous act? I cycled down to the shop in Marsby for groceries, a two mile round trip.

I was even frightened of that. The inner critic pipes up with the “even”, so I reject it. I was frightened of it. I did not want to go. I did not want to leave my house. I did not want to speak to anyone. So in the shower at 3pm I bigged it up.

Because I fear it, 
This is something 
COURAGEOUS.
It is worthwhile, because it is caring for myself. 
I have denied my courage for too long.
I will celebrate my courage.

Indeed I thought of boasting of it here.

A woman stopped by the kerb to let me pass before she crossed the road, and as I passed her started to sing “I believe I can fly.” The song circled in my mind as I cycled on.

I will celebrate every single ACHIEVEMENT.
I am where I am. 
Monet, Camille

5 thoughts on “Courage

  1. My dear sister! It has taken me seventeen minutes to reach your blog, but I have read this post and I really wanted to comment. Every single word you write speaks exactly to my condition today – a crushing disappointment last night, then looked at differently in the light of day, and leaving me tired but resigned and at the same time….what? optimistic. I shall celebrate every single inching achievement where I am, one inch at a time.

    Bless you, so much, for the care, insight and understanding you have given so freely to me over the years. Your friendship is irreplaceable.

    XXXX 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    • You are so beautiful, and deserve to be celebrated. Besides, it works better than berating yourself. I hope the disappointment may be overcome.

      This you know:

      From the prelude to The Dance by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

      What if there is no need to change?
      No need to transform yourself
      Into someone who is more compassionate, more present, more loving, or wise?
      How would this affect all the places in your life where you are endlessly trying to be better?

      What if the task is simply to unfold
      To become who you already are in your essential nature –
      Gentle, compassionate, and capable of living fully and passionately present?

      What if the question is not, “Why am I so infrequently the person I really want to be?”
      But “Why do I so infrequently want to be the person I really am?”
      How would this change what you think you have to learn?

      What if becoming who and what we truly are happens not through striving and trying
      But by recognising and receiving the people and places and practices
      That are for us the warmth of encouragement we need to unfold?
      How would this shape the choices you make about how to spend today?

      What if you knew that the impulse to move in a way that creates beauty in the world
      Will arise from deep within
      And guide you every time you simply pay attention
      And wait.

      How would this shape your stillness, your movement,
      Your willingness to follow this impulse
      To just let go
      And dance?

      Liked by 1 person

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