I had the words for the lesson, but it took Amanda’s example to make it real for me.
I am particularly internally focused: so in any situation I am monitoring my own reactions. Others may be externally focused, noticing what is going on around them. I perceived Amanda as particularly externally focused, and that made concrete for me where my internal focus may have come from.
I have an English accent because of my mother’s English accent. Most children pick up their accent from their peers: my sister spoke Argyll at school and RP at home. I spoke RP everywhere. That is, from earliest childhood I had to pick up my mother’s feelings, to find how I might be safe. She dominated me.
The internal focus comes from my internal parent, a way of predicting my mother. I carried her within me after leaving home.
External focus- well, other people are real, after all, not projections of myself- would help me to cope with people and situations new to me.
It is not a matter of nagging myself into external focus, but of surrendering the need for internal focus. I do not need my mother’s care any more.
So I craft my affirmation to reinforce in myself the things I know, to take them into my heart.
I am beautiful and valuable not for anything I might achieve but simply for myself. I am worthy of Life. I am loved, loving and lovable.
I have the “not” in there. It feels, right now, that it will reinforce the lesson. I may go back to this.
I have my affirmations as a mantra, and also as a theme for variations, as the variations allow my unconscious to create something new for me.
I might learn from others. “I am brave and beautiful. I sparkle.” Lovely. She is, she does. “Sparkle” later, perhaps. It pleases me, and what I need now is self-acceptance, because then I may love myself, and receive love.
Achievement- buying my right to exist- is painful, tedious, and impossible, for the price is always beyond my grasp.
Surrender it. Let it go.
If I acted because I want to, for the sheer delight of it, I might find myself fulfilled in my action. Instead of painful and frustrating, action would be nourishing.
Later- what about this?
I am beautiful and valuable. I am complete in myself.