Three questions, found here:
1. If Aladdin’s genie offered you a single wish, what would you wish for?
2. If you got what you most wanted in question 1, what would that do for you and what would it change in your life?
3. If you got the things that were your answers to both questions 1 and 2, how would you feel?
Your answer to question 3 is actually the right answer to the original question, “What do you want right now more than anything else?”
The whole article is worth reading, but how would I feel? I would feel I had achieved something, and had thereby justified my existence. I would feel worthwhile.
If I am too sensitive, the question is, too sensitive for what? So sensitive that I will be deeply hurt, often; but that sensitivity is beautiful. Having seen my femininity as weak, I now see it as Good.
I wrote, I am worthy of life, and someone wrote, Pah! Just worthy? That is feeble! You are worthy of a whole lot more. Unless of course it’s a life full of bells and whistles!
What have I achieved, I wonder. I have nothing, no family, no career, I am on the sick. All I have achieved is this self-acceptance, the realisation that who I am is a good thing to be, and that is a great healing. I have healed my own wounds.
The inner critic still hectors away. “Come on, do something! Justify your existence!” Instead I analyse my existence here, which does not satisfy her. “What have you done with forty eight years?”
My healing has to be enough. I have devoted myself to it. It has taken the time and effort it has taken. And still- the need to achieve, to justify my existence-
Can I just lay that down?
Having slept on this:
What would “achievement” so that I was “worthwhile” look like? It would be what he would have done: originally he would have been a solicitor in Edinburgh, by now with his children at University. I love the lawyers on Engrenages. Juge Roban investigates a case, the man attempts suicide, and Roban’s superior congratulates him: “He would rather face divine justice than yours”. Her opponent tells Maître Josephine Karlsson that she looks as if she has been sent from another planet, to report back whether people are edible. She looks a carnivore.
But that is not me.
The thought has moved on, representing more of my own desire, less of what I introjected was the way to be and the thing to do; and I still have it. Achievement would justify existence.
I have done all I could. Self-acceptance and healing. This photograph I took a couple of years ago is really good:
And self-acceptance must include acceptance of my own actions. Others have observed how hard I can be on myself. Let it go.
It comes in waves. I feel intensely vulnerable having no income of my own. I have issues with other people and I go down and I feel worthless and incapable. Any setback seems an existential threat. Then I work through the feeling, and everything is alright. I would like the down moods to stop, though.