Worthwhile

Three questions, found here:

1. If Aladdin’s genie offered you a single wish, what would you wish for?
2. If you got what you most wanted in question 1, what would that do for you and what would it change in your life?
3. If you got the things that were your answers to both questions 1 and 2, how would you feel?
Your answer to question 3 is actually the right answer to the original question, “What do you want right now more than anything else?”

The whole article is worth reading, but how would I feel? I would feel I had achieved something, and had thereby justified my existence. I would feel worthwhile.

If I am too sensitive, the question is, too sensitive for what? So sensitive that I will be deeply hurt, often; but that sensitivity is beautiful. Having seen my femininity as weak, I now see it as Good.

I wrote, I am worthy of life, and someone wrote, Pah! Just worthy? That is feeble! You are worthy of a whole lot more. Unless of course it’s a life full of bells and whistles!

What have I achieved, I wonder. I have nothing, no family, no career, I am on the sick. All I have achieved is this self-acceptance, the realisation that who I am is a good thing to be, and that is a great healing. I have healed my own wounds.

The inner critic still hectors away. “Come on, do something! Justify your existence!” Instead I analyse my existence here, which does not satisfy her. “What have you done with forty eight years?”

My healing has to be enough. I have devoted myself to it. It has taken the time and effort it has taken. And still- the need to achieve, to justify my existence-

Can I just lay that down?

———————-

Having slept on this:

What would “achievement” so that I was “worthwhile” look like? It would be what he would have done: originally he would have been a solicitor in Edinburgh, by now with his children at University. I love the lawyers on Engrenages. Juge Roban investigates a case, the man attempts suicide, and Roban’s superior congratulates him: “He would rather face divine justice than yours”. Her opponent tells Maître Josephine Karlsson that she looks as if she has been sent from another planet, to report back whether people are edible. She looks a carnivore.

But that is not me.

The thought has moved on, representing more of my own desire, less of what I introjected was the way to be and the thing to do; and I still have it. Achievement would justify existence.

I have done all I could. Self-acceptance and healing. This photograph I took a couple of years ago is really good:

birds in flight

And self-acceptance must include acceptance of my own actions. Others have observed how hard I can be on myself. Let it go.

It comes in waves. I feel intensely vulnerable having no income of my own. I have issues with other people and I go down and I feel worthless and incapable. Any setback seems an existential threat. Then I work through the feeling, and everything is alright. I would like the down moods to stop, though.

8 thoughts on “Worthwhile

  1. My first wish would have been to always have an extra wish each day! Worthwhile? Of course you are worthwhile Clare. God thinks you are worthwhile and as that is true so should you. You could have used one of those wishes to stop the ‘down times’ but of course we all know that genies don’t exist. Just look into the mirror each day and say ‘I am beautiful, I am worthwhile and I don’t need anyone else’s approval to be me’.

    Shirley Anne x

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      • ‘Yes, indeed you are!’ My wording was addressed to you Clare not myself. Read it again. I was telling you to look into the mirror. I already know I am beautiful to the core.
        It occurs to me that you are searching for something but are not sure what it is. You appear also to have too much time on your hands which is directing your thoughts inwards too much. My suggestion, if you would listen, is to find something to occupy your day and to have other people involved. Perhaps all you need is in fact people in your life. Forgive me if I am wrong in this but it just seems that way to me.
        You didn’t mention how capricious that genie was but if you had I might have asked him as one of my wishes, probably the first, that I should get twenty-four hours to make my decision, the second wish would be to have three wishes every day and the third wish would be to be happy and content in all things. I wouldn’t need to rush into rash decisions knowing I had wishes every day.

        Shirley Anne x

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        • I was aware you were advising me to affirm myself.

          Why should thinking inwardly be a bad thing? How could it make me unhappy? It might find the cause of unhappiness, but not be that cause. What, pray, do you think I should do? Part of my problem is discerning what I desire, rather than what I understand my culture finds desirable. Yes, I would like more people in my life, but what I will do to achieve that is limited.

          I think I said that this genie was offering only one wish rather than the customary three. How clever of you to wish for more wishes! Perhaps you have not seen Bedazzled.

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  2. Inward thinking isn’t a bad thing Clare but too much of anything isn’t good. Getting more people into our lives shouldn’t be too difficult but it will only happen if we make a concerted effort and get out of the house. Nope, I haven’t seen Bedazzled.

    Shirley Anne x

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