Despair

Two years ago, I despaired and withdrew. I had a series of bad experiences at work; some South Wales Quakers tried to disown me from the Society, and had I remained in South Wales they would have succeeded; and then after I lost my job my emotions went haywire, possibly because of unwise hormone adjustment, so that I was weeping and raging in the office where I volunteered. I lost the hope of getting around £60,000 which I could do with, actually, and I found myself more and more frustrated in that volunteer role. So I despaired and withdrew.

And- I found how negative I had been, and how much better being positive is; came to value being trans, first, and now value being as feminine as I am; forgave my mother, and having dredged the depths of my hatred for her came to value her; started to explore what I actually wanted to do, rather than imagined or had understood from others was expected of me, or would give socially-sanctioned pleasure. My heart is open.

I am better placed to face the world than I was, four years ago or arguably three months ago, and many of the causes of my despair remain. My CV is dreadful, I see other people better but still need practise with that, I have had bad experiences which have made me nervous.

It would be nice to know where I was going, and to take steps to get there, but I am just beginning to know what I want. I will live with my uncertainty. I want to stay on the sick. I may try some job applications, but if I need to check if I want to clean my teeth, I will not be able to tell if I want a particular career. Perhaps God within will cry out YES- and perhaps not.

Picture from despair.com, which sells demotivational posters, satirising motivational posters. Even the most ambitious little pebble will never grow up to be a big rock, they say.

I do not want to see the world in a way which will motivate me, or frighten me into withdrawal: I want to see it truthfully. After losing my shame at my feminine self, I find myself losing other shame. I need to be on the sick right now. I am not ashamed of doing what I need to do to remain on the sick, though I have been- it is more money, less prone to Sanctions, and I am entitled under the rules. My voices saying I should be more capable are less powerful.

Go on, you know you want to

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