Envy

Envy broke over me, terrifying me with its sudden force.  My mood went black, though I struggled against it. I knelt and wept. Perhaps I should avoid facebook-

Her post talked of terrible lows and wonderful highs, so close together, in 2014. Now they are on a journey which gets more and more wonderful. She writes of amazing friendships. “And thank you all for sharing your lives – it makes my life all the richer.”

“They”- two of them- that is something to envy. I love her Yes, her gratitude, her optimism; and they make me wretched. The word “richer” cuts into me. Of course she will have uncertainties and unresolved matters, and they will resolve to blessing.

I am looking for answers. All answers gratefully received.

This envy is my most painful emotion. I cannot see value in it at all. It disparages and disrespects my gifts and blessings. It says I am not good enough. It says my “soft, gentle, peaceful” is cursed weakness, and that is a lie, because “soft, gentle, peaceful” is beautiful, and inescapable for me. Seeing it as weak cuts me off from its strength.

All my fear for the future and pain at the past came out, and overwhelmed me, then got misdirected into resentment at a rose-tinted image of this other person. Something randomly set me off, and I attached the feelings to it, rather than to their real cause. This distances me from others and from reality.

Count your blessings, name them one by one, H would quote ironically.

Someone else wrote, Happy New year. May it be full of peace and love and light and laughter for us all xx and exciting challenges, of course 🙂 That strikes more the right note, for me. There is a certain wariness for the exciting challenges. I don’t want challenged at all.

Wishing all my friends the happiest of New Years – wishing you love, good health and much upward growth ❤ “I’m tall enough already” joked someone. We are wary.

My wariness is resistance. I have avoided rather than facing challenges, because I anticipated more pain. Possibly facing the challenge with all my feminine vulnerability-

More from facebook. When an inner situation is not made conscious, it appears outside of you as fate– C.G. Jung. Then this link on the New Year quotes this poem:

We look with uncertainty
by Anne Hillman

We look with uncertainty
beyond the old choices for
clear-cut answers
to a softer, more permeable aliveness
which is every moment
at the brink of death;
for something new is being born in us
if we but let it.
We stand at a new doorway,
awaiting that which comes…
daring to be human creatures,
vulnerable to the beauty of existence.
Learning to love.

After wrestling with this for hours, I posted,
At this moment
I am in the best place I could possibly be.

By this I mean that this is where my responses to my delights and challenges have got me; this is where I can move on from, this is what I need. It is right for me, in a way that no place in which any other finds herself could be. But I get far more likes for it expressed positively.

Added: 36 hours later I have it worked out. Envy distances me, breaks connection, and reduces my understanding and empathy. I start in liking, airbrush out my understanding of certain difficulties this person has, think “It’s alright for you” (which is unfair) compare her apparent facing challenge bravely with my feeling overwhelmed, and turn that negative: I make it a judgment on me, rather than an inspiration.

Through analysis, I turn my feeling back to goodwill and empathy, and separate out what I feel about myself- fear and grief. I separate the feelings from the immediate stimulus which precipitated but did not cause them.

With increased self-respect I find greater self-nurturing in small things, such as more meditation, a more regular cleansing and moisturising regime, and playing the piano.
abseil place

9 thoughts on “Envy

  1. Dear Clare,

    I can’t help thinking that what you feel is not so much envy as grief. Envy is based in dislike, whereas what you may be feeling is the sorrow that sticks in the throat so that we can hardly breathe. When we descend so suddenly into black, breathing deeply and hoping, can be a way out.

    Bless you, always. I always see you as talented, lovely and beautiful. XXX 🙂

    Like

    • Fran, your faith in me has nourished me since we met again in Edinburgh. I accept your discernment! Dislike- not necessarily, er- envy distances me, breaks connection, reduces my understanding and empathy, creates dislike rather than starting in it. Here I start in liking, airbrush out my understanding of certain difficulties this person has, think “It’s alright for you” (which is unfair) compare her apparent facing challenge bravely with my feeling overwhelmed, and turn that negative: I make it a judgment on me, rather than an inspiration.

      I feel that through thought, I turn my feeling back to goodwill and empathy, and separate out what I feel about myself- fear and, yes, grief. I separate the feelings from the immediate stimulus which precipitated but did not cause them.

      With increased self-respect I find greater self-nurturing in small things, such as more meditation, a more regular cleansing and moisturising regime, and playing the piano.

      Love.

      Liked by 1 person

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