Saturday. I am not happy. I am alone with my telly and a cough rather than at a party with beautiful people, where my talent in writing and delivering my monologue would have received the recognition it deserved- awe, wonder, then thunderous applause, obvs. I am less happy because this occasion would have been a bigger deal for me than I would wish it to be, not the highlight of the year but one of them. I have also recently heard some law-of-attractiony stuff about how everything in your life, you have called into it, which makes me feel worse. I don’t think cancer- or colds- work that way, I say, and though Menis Yousry might be my guru in so much, he is not, in that.
This is not where I want to be.
Coming here has been the best way of caring for myself which I have known. I have cared for myself, without respecting myself, driven by the inner critic or controlling parent. It is my hope that this has changed, and that, seeing myself better, I will love myself rather than despising myself.
Individual words of that Affirmation come to mind, gaining significance.
radiantly open. I am Radiant.
I have a power in me, which I do not understand, which holding in has always hurt and which I have had no idea how to let out without hurting myself and sometimes others. Come from Love. Keep trying.
We protect ourselves, is the theory. I protect myself by pushing people away. Everyone, just about. Cease to protect, for my armour weighs me down.
There is a grain of truth (a grain is 1/7000lbs, or 65mg) in that idea, that ones mental attitude can produce disease. In April 1994, I had been coughing all winter, so I went to the doctor. He asked me various questions, then what work I did. I said I was unemployed, and saw a light bulb go on over his head. It was that clear. His face changed. I stopped coughing.
What is the next step?