Not where I want to be

JMWTurner, Sunrise with Sea monstersSaturday. I am not happy. I am alone with my telly and a cough rather than at a party with beautiful people, where my talent in writing and delivering my monologue would have received the recognition it deserved- awe, wonder, then thunderous applause, obvs. I am less happy because this occasion would have been a bigger deal for me than I would wish it to be, not the highlight of the year but one of them.  I have also recently heard some law-of-attractiony stuff about how everything in your life, you have called into it, which makes me feel worse. I don’t think cancer- or colds- work that way, I say, and though Menis Yousry might be my guru in so much, he is not, in that.

This is not where I want to be.

JMWTurner, Sunrise with Sea monstersComing here has been the best way of caring for myself which I have known. I have cared for myself, without respecting myself, driven by the inner critic or controlling parent. It is my hope that this has changed, and that, seeing myself better, I will love myself rather than despising myself.

Individual words of that Affirmation come to mind, gaining significance.

radiantly open.
I am Radiant.

I have a power in me, which I do not understand, which holding in has always hurt and which I have had no idea how to let out without hurting myself and sometimes others. Come from Love. Keep trying.

We protect ourselves, is the theory. I protect myself by pushing people away. Everyone, just about. Cease to protect, for my armour weighs me down.

There is a grain of truth (a grain is 1/7000lbs, or 65mg) in that idea, that ones mental attitude can produce disease. In April 1994, I had been coughing all winter, so I went to the doctor. He asked me various questions, then what work I did. I said I was unemployed, and saw a light bulb go on over his head. It was that clear. His face changed. I stopped coughing.

What is  the next step?

2 thoughts on “Not where I want to be

  1. Dear Clare

    What is the next step? Hmmmm. There are thousands more, you know, each tiny but leading somewhere. The overall picture is what makes the difference, and in this, I would hope you are happier than you were.

    When we have a ‘bad day’ it is maybe better just to accept that it is a bad day, rather than trying to explain it as having somethng deep and meaningful to do with us. After all, we came in love, and only love is real. We are not the day, though our attitudes have such impact.

    XXXX 😀

    Like

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