It is good to care for myself

van Gogh, Marguerite Gachet at the pianoIt is your true self.
When the World is destroyed
It will not be destroyed.

-Zen saying quoted on In Our Time.

Maybe the journey isn’t so much about becoming anything. Maybe it’s about unbecoming everything that isn’t really you so that you can be who you were meant to be in the first place.

-facebook meme. I would delete the maybes.

Know the place for the first time- this is everywhere. And I really want to make sure it is true, because it frightens me.

Someone asked, “Why are you a recluse?” Oh, I had a bad experience at work, then I had a bad experience at work, then I had a really bad experience at work, then I had a bad experience at work and a bad experience socially, then I had a traumatic experience socially-

Later, I said to her, I really would like to show you that that work thing was not my fault, and she said something like, what’s past is past. She said more than that, which I would like to report, but not remembering it completely I will say my more: that I was not right. The commonality in my fights with CABx and Quakers is me. That things can be said for my position does not change that. In 2006 my analysis of the situation was correct, my approach to my colleagues was not.

And I have been a recluse because I have not felt motivated otherwise. I want to blog. Beyond that-

Come from Love-

I don’t know anything I want to do.

I want to know that “I am soft, gentle, peaceful” is the Real Me, because I feel I need manly qualities to Get On, and-

You know, I do? I knew it from 1999, that evening when I had such a strong consciousness of being two souls I knew it. I knew it when I finally withdrew here.

———————

What do I want? I am worthy of Life, I affirm.

I have wanted this- control of my space, strictly limited social contact, even more limited obligation to others. I want less than I had, as I find some of my wants were still from my want to Achieve something Worthwhile to justify my existence, paltry as those achievements were. I am worthy of Life, I affirm, and let that fall away.

I want to care for myself, and this is how I know how to do that, limiting my social contact to people I know are safe, limiting my obligations. OK. Let it percolate.

I am worthy of Life…..

7 thoughts on “It is good to care for myself

  1. Whenever I see, hear or notice you, it is always with rejoicing. I am not you, so I don’t know how it is for you, though I can guess at the worry and the constant self watching and the waiting. And your beauty is all I ever see, when I look at you. Not everyone will be like that, but perhaps, more than you believe.

    Sometimes we feel withdrawn, esp. on days like today, and at other times, we feel open and available. That is okay. I am going to take the rest of the day off, because my foot hurts and I need to rest it, and I want to read. But I do not think I am becoming isolated. I am glad to rest.

    XXXXX 😀

    Like

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