Protection

Essence process day 1

Van Gogh, The little ArlésienneI was so frightened of this, and now, it seems I have had the born-again experience I had hoped for. To continue from the beginning- some of this is what I wrote then-

Here we are, doing this personal growth thing. Why would I do it? For the fun of it itself, perhaps, but not for any change, I am just too comfortable. K is. I have undertaken not to reveal what the exercises were, but

here I do, obviously, not detailed description but giving the idea. Delete.

Then I had time silently to think, and wanted to connect to another human being. We went for dinner, and Judgment and projection. My account has too much judgment, and I do not like it, now. I will leave in this bit of projection: Though he does all these courses, it seems to me that he does not change because he is just too comfortable as he is. Probably me, too. [I can recognise some projection.] I disliked him, by the end of it, but see no reason why my emollient manner should be any better than his abrasive one. It is a difference of taste.

In this course, we ask what we do by habit or to manipulate people rather than acting from the heart, and relating as our real selves (or something- I am not quite sure how he would put it). I have so many manipulations to choose from it is almost like heart opening. In sharing I got angry, and it feels like being authentic, but Menis says I am just pushing people away. He told me to say to the group, “Would you please be close to me and accept me?” Not easy to say. But they would, almost all of them.

“I feel I want to care for you, now,” said one woman, and I have probably succeeded in pushing her away. Not that I imagine I want to. But when I sought what gives me pleasure, doing something constructive/helpful was one of the top; and asking for something seemed Wrong, somehow, it was me seeking to be a parasite [that is such a violent word! I condemned myself so cruelly!] rather than be independent.

The magic happens outside your comfort zone: I learned that in a personal growth workshop. I requested something else. “At one point Menis referred to me as ‘he’. If someone does that, will you challenge them?” They would. Some said they felt queasy when he said it. I want to survive, and Menis thought this a good thing, but I should do it in Love.

Seeking to be Real, I will dust off my old compliments. I am a joyful, playful child, said Hazel. I am interested in Life, said Angela. I am like a deer in the woods, peeking out, wondering who will come and play with me, said someone- all more than ten years ago. I liked those, and have remembered them. Perhaps there is something about Being Authentic in them. But it is so Vulnerable! Actually, I quite like that. I was beginning to get it.

Go on, you know you want to

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