On Tuesday I had coffee with friend. We found we have the same dream job- Nicholas Briggs‘- and that he was reading a book I had acquired to read. We shared murder fantasies. It was lovely. I cycled into Swanston in the sunshine, in a T-shirt, and got too hot.
Yesterday, by contrast, I read a bit, played on facebook, watched telly, and wrote my previous post.
When I did not get that job in Bedford, I withdrew. The withdrawal at that time seemed hopeful, and though the process has been slower than I would wish there have been successes. While there was no meeting of minds with my counsellor. “Goals! What are your Goals!?“ she insisted, while I decided that a lesson best learned as a toddler- that one can feel rage and terror safely, and use that energy to deal with the problem which has caused them- was the lesson I needed to learn then. Success: moving forward with that toddler lesson.
I am healthier and happier than I was two years ago. I have greater self-acceptance, and greater understanding. And- though I thought I should go to the butcher’s, in the town, a mile away, yesterday, I preferred to lie down with a book. I have simple pleasures. I sat outside in the sunshine, in 19ºC which is unusually warm for end-October, and had my lunch and a mug of tea, reading. Or I walk in the park.
Of course I am concerned that this is enough for me- I have gifts, I should use them- but John Banville in that book consoles me- Things had gone wrong in her life, and bad things had happened to her. Perhaps this mindless job was part of the long process of recuperation, of healing. Yes, this is others’ experience too. Though her experience also differs– between her and most men there was always a hint of something, a sort of crackle in the iar, like electricity; it was normal, it was the way things were between men and women. Banville himself might question that word “normal”. I would rather have more energy, I usually sleep in the middle of the afternoon, and on Sunday I just could not be bothered cycling to meeting, so did not.
I had a disagreement last Friday with S, and two others were sufficiently concerned and upset that they asked the Quaker overseers to consider it with me. Those two left, and I sorted it with S over the next hour. So I met with the overseers, my friends, who agreed they could see my love and concern for the meeting, and wondered if there was any support they could give. All I could say was I wanted to be accepted even if I go off on one. I am labile. Let us hope that it will not have bad consequences. I had not thought I had crossed a line, and am perturbed that others would see it like that.