Feminine male, dominant woman

Femdom pictures and real life

I do not speak for other gynephile trans people assigned male at birth, far less the androphiles, but I am male. Mine is a male experience of the world, and a male response. I claim the word “feminine”. It is rarely used to mean simply female, and normally used to mean “characteristic or regarded as characteristic of women; womanly” (OED). I claim that no response is truly characteristic of women alone, and want to divorce it from the much clearer concept of “female”.

The Urban Dictionary goes the other way: Feminine means “What pertains to a woman”. There are no qualifications. Whatever a woman does is feminine, because they are a woman, but that is not yet the standard use. My former colleague was often mistaken for a lesbian, because she was “masculine”, and I want a word for that. Rather than make the words mean “female” or “male”, I want to get rid of the prescriptive part- feminine or masculine are both Good, whichever sex one is.

A lesbian blogger wrote  that the straights found out about sex before completing puberty, but she had to wait for university to discover LGBT societies and gay bars. I have some faint hope for my fifties. My father was similarly feminine, referring to my mother as “The Boss”, yet if we had in any way subverted patriarchy, I would not have grown up so certain of the importance of being Masculine. I got my shame from my parents, like the rabbit parasite which passes down the nose of the mother as she licks her young.

At the country dancing, there are more women than men, so women dance together. S was happy to dance “as a man” with me, and in the promenade hold pulled my right hand back just a fraction. I felt exposed, vulnerable, feminine, wanting to dance with her, and also frightened and ashamed. So I stopped going, before I smashed my car up which would have stopped me going anyway.

A woman told me, simply, “my husband dominated me”. That is quite acceptable for her, under patriarchy, but I don’t know what that would look like mutatis mutandis for me. I might manage to avoid overwhelming shame, but would still feel vulnerable.

Not entirely in a spirit of disinterested enquiry, I had a look at some female dominance porn, commonly abbreviated to “femdom”. I used it to help me consider what I want, and how that relates to sexuality. However the straight, dominant male might respond to these, the metaphors and symbols of female dominance are there: the frown and sneer of cold command, the camera’s perspective grovelling at her feet. It all seems so much hard work: normal straight people get away with just bodies, but there are so many props in the other photographs I saw. Though I understand no porn is a close portrayal of real life.

One woman whom I thought, wrongly, might be masculine with me told me that men who read her that way “want to be dominated”, which is a faff, except in matters of real life decision making. She was very pleased to get off with an army officer, at one point, but I have heard no more about that. I dislike the words dominant and submissive, anyway, they are too strong: perhaps assertive and assenting are better.

I tagged this “autogynephilia” because I am so “feminine” that only transition made sense for me. That refutes Blanchard’s, and other, theories. Wxhluyp, if he is still about, may have something to say.

This continues: women are attracted to feminine men; but- what might feminine mean? For me, it means this.

Amy Whitehouse wants to be the feminine one. I sympathise, I really do.

Strap-on Femdom, or human relationship

Ah. That is what I want. The pictures make it clearer. They show the women beating men, caging men, or having their feet kissed. All that foot worship would be such a bore: the woman “dominates” the man into doing exactly what he wants to do. The viewer fantasises about doing it, and is completely in control of his fantasy.

But all the women seem to despise the male onlooker, and act contempt for the males in the pictures and videos. I want to escape that bit, which is no necessary part of female dominance or assertiveness, just of Femdom porn. Either the pornographers cannot imagine such men not being contemptible, or believe that men will be more addicted to their wares if they feel themselves contemptible. The addict despises himself for getting turned on, and that self-disgust is itself addictive.

I want something else in a partner. I want to be assenting to her assertiveness, but I want affection. I can’t imagine any porn showing affection. If you know of any please let me know.

50 thoughts on “Feminine male, dominant woman

  1. I am uncertain the point of this post. I’m not criticizing but I do not see dominance as either masculine or feminine. It is entirely mental. We enjoy what we enjoy both from a physical/chemical point of reference and from the engines in our minds for they propel the chemicals which drive our bodies. Dominance and submission is not about gender nor is it even about sex. There are many who percieve it this way but they are mistaken in my view. It’s in how the mind works… one mind is rogue and ferrel yet on some levels domesticated, the other is in need of guidance and protection and encouragement to act free. It has nothing to do with sex, gender, porn, accutrements, or practice. It is completely in the mind and chemical balance of that mind.

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    • My experience, which has been traumatic for me, has been of passionate desperation to express my “feminine side”, and also to make a man of myself. I observe this in others, of women taking manly jobs like police firearms officer then transitioning. It felt like discovering the real me, my feelings, my desires, my natural way of being suppressed under a ton of fear, locked in a box in a box, chained in a cupboard, locked away in a house I could not enter- like liberation.

      “My husband dominated me”; some women “wear the trousers”. Jung saw the anima in the man, animus in women; we have a range of responses.

      Oh, I don’t have to convince you. I know my own experience. I find “dominance” and “submission” too crude words to describe it, but they grope towards the particular interaction. I see it in other people, too.

      The porn and its props are symbols pointing to part of reality. The symbol helps us understand the reality.

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      • I was trying to say that the porn and props are not the reality, just the valence of perception of reality. We are all both feminine and masculine. We express one more than the other. For many the expression is to one side or the other but for some it is in the middle and mixed up in comparison to the physical expression of it. I can only speak of my experience and what I’ve observed. Masculininity and femininity is not a case of domination and submission. The latter are valence expressions of what is unobserved, what cannot be observed except through expression. Socially we are taught that the visible must match the expression, but this is not so and those that do not fully meet that expectation are marginalized in many societies. The simple fact is that none of us in western societies can be who we truly are because we are demned to live up to an expression based on other people’s perceptions of the visible. A large man cannot be effeminate as an example. It is assumed he will be aggressive and manly yet that may not be what his brain tells him to be. Nobody is free as long as we are held up to other people’s standards, for such standards are always biased and unfair. They are based on fear.

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        • Dominance is definitely the wrong word; it is too strong. Authority comes closer. Assertiveness. Firm. Decisive. Upper hand yes, whip hand no. The words submission or passivity aren’t quite as wrong. I would defer, assent, be more docile. So I added “assertive and assenting” to the post.

          We are all both feminine and masculine, but the woman’s bell-curve is more on the feminine side, the men’s on the masculine, and I am on the feminine end of the bell-curve.

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      • In the sense that a boy would be associated as unmanly for not being affiliated with male-like affiliations, where he would overtly associated as feminine for being affiliated with feminine affiliations. As for being masculine of feminine, it would be how one comes to relate the wholistic gender affiliations

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        • Aha. Holistic gender affiliations- I wish you did not use words you did not fully know, and your first sentence adds nothing to “Yes”. Do you think trans women- or any cis woman- relates to all the understanding of “feminine”?

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          • Holistic. Gender is intelligible as apart of a referential whole, which is to say that gender is irreducible. There is nothing there to understand or rather there is no authentic way which the female-like is associated, nor an authentic way which one may identify as female through female-like affiliations.

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            • “you say that it cannot be authentic”

              There is no correct, nor given way in which one associates, let alone identifies through “gender”.

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            • “What do you think of the pictures?”

              I’m not really into female dominance themes, but I always have loved the overbearing subversive mother’s in traditional “forced fem” narratives

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            • “No wonder you imagine that trans issues are about emasculation.”

              Rather that trans issues on part of masochistic emasculation fetishists are routinely about masochistic emasculation fetishism.

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            • “You are a slippery bugger, wux. You have said before that almost no-one transitions apart from your ludicrous MEF theory.”

              Nope, I have always reiterated the same dynamics, often word for word, in that fetishism is simply one way in which one can develop a dysphoric psychology. A dysphoria on part of masochistic emasculation fetishist will routinely be derived from their fetishism.

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            • Lies, as well as the misunderstanding and misuse of the word “dynamics”, and a pointless tautology- a MEF who transitions, transitions because of MEF, he asserts. Except there are no MEFs but Wux. The lie: Wux previously said Transition isn’t my bag baby. It’s like the subniche of platform shoes in a shoe fetish. No, Wux, it is the action of feminine AMAB folk.

              Bored, now. Make an argument or say something sensible. Tedious assertions will be deleted.

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            • Comment deleted, because Wux is again deliberately obtuse. The lie, Wux, is that “transition… is like the subniche of platform shoes in a shoe fetish”.

              No, it isn’t. It is not some tiny part of your vile little castration fantasy. It is reality. It is how people are, when we are not masturbating.

              Go away. Or show some understanding. Or say something plainly, without the tortured misuse of words you don’t understand.

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            • “LOL” is the biggest lie on the internet.

              I don’t want a conversation with you. I don’t find your comments useful or interesting. You make silly and insulting assertions without argument in tortured prose. Your statement that “female is cultural” can be justified with a particular philosophical world-view, but you made no attempt to articulate that world-view, or argue it, and the argument would have been irrelevant to the subject. You merely assert it.

              You claim that some men feeling not masculine enough develop an erotic fantasy about being castrated. You bring forward in evidence yourself. You then make wild, insulting assertions about trans women, which are easily refuted.

              Go away, wux. My comment policy is “Don’t bore me”, and you have proved incapable of meeting it.

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            • [Clare: Much tedious rubbish from Wuxlip deleted, but some I wish to answer]

              If you didn’t want a conversation with me you would either ignore or simply delete my messages in their entirety.

              [Clare: no, sometimes thinking through my response in words has value: and sometimes I try to communicate; but the only value of threads involving you has been what I have brought to them. You are the grit in my oyster.]

              perhaps I have expected too much of you.

              [Clare: Oh! Wux! What did you expect of me? That I would have patience with your ideology? ]

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            • I am always correct on the subject of this fetish and it’s common psychological affiliations.

              [Clare: Edited to remove tedious rubbish, but leaving a sample to show Wuxian arrogance and grammatical incompetence]

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            • You are welcome here, if you

              • tell stories of your own personal experience
              • justify the assertions you make by argument
              • stop merely repeating your assertions endlessly.

              Surely you see that long ’tis/’tisn’t arguments are tedious. Give me the last word occasionally. Not all disagreement is a mortal threat to you. And edit, to ensure that your grammar and syntax are clear and correct, and that you use the clearest available words, in their ordinary meanings.

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            • “You are welcome here, if you

              tell stories of your own personal experience
              justify the assertions you make by argument
              stop merely repeating your assertions endlessly.”

              I have repeatedly asserted arguments. I have repeatedly talked of my own personal experiences. Where specifically do you see it as representative?

              “Surely you see that long ’tis/’tisn’t arguments are tedious. Give me the last word occasionally.”

              My interest is intellectual and I really enjoy discussing this subject. It is you who routinely brings hostilities to the table.

              “ensure that your grammar and syntax are clear and correct, and that you use the clearest available words, in their ordinary meanings.”

              That is also a common misguided criticism of “continental philosophy”. I am clear to myself and most others.

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            • Awww. Wuxybabes- am I being unfair to you?

              Yet you keep coming back!

              I would not mind so much if you understood the words you use. Wholistic, indeed. It is not that I do not understand the words, but that you do not make sense with them.

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            • “Awww. Wuxybabes- am I being unfair to you? Yet you keep coming back!”

              As I said, I am always interested in discussing the fetish.

              [Clare: Rest deleted for indulging in tis/tisn’t argument. Remember the rules, Wux.]

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            • “[Clare: Rest deleted for indulging in tis/tisn’t argument. Remember the rules, Wux.]”

              So this is going to be your recourse, to mess with my comments when you find yourself in a spot of bother. Come over to reddit if your want to chat without manipulated conditions, or even tumblr for a sexier environment.

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            • “A spot of bother”. Really, Wux? In whose diseased imagination might that be?

              I have no interest in talking to you. After many comments over months, you have shown conclusively you have nothing of interest to tell me.

              Given that you insist on an idiosyncratic use of the word co-dependent, which has a clear meaning wildly different from that you wish to ascribe to it, I have no idea what you mean by the tortured prose you emit. You are incapable of saying anything clearly, and as what you say is tendentious, silly and dull there is no point at all in my trying to work out what you might mean.

              I have no interest in corresponding with you on Reddit.

              Any comment from you will be welcome, if it has any interest in it whatsoever.

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            • “I have no interest in talking to you. After many comments over months, you have shown conclusively you have nothing of interest to tell me.”

              If so you could delete my comments. That you manipulate my comments shows that either you either wish to “stick it to me” without substantially engaging with arguments, or that you value what comes with presenting the comments to the world.

              [Rest deleted because boring and stupid. Yes, I could indeed delete all your comments, but why should I? No-one will read them. “To the world”, you say, grandiosely, but few people read all the comments on my old posts. You are as inept at finding my reason to leave the comments as you are at finding why people transition. I leave them to taunt you.]

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            • Wux, I find myself wondering why you keep commenting like this. Are you taking bets on which bits I will delete? I am quite happy to carry on insulting you, you know. I know you are completely closed-minded, so will not benefit from coming here. You do not have ears to hear, as I tell the occasional conservative religious nut (sorry for tautology).

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        • THERE ARE 2 TYPES OF HOMOSEXUALS: THE FEMININE GIRLY TYPE AND THE BODY-BUILDER TYPE.
          Believe it or not, but the Nazis only persecuted the feminine type homosexuals.

          May 15, 2008
          The truth about homosexuality and the Nazi Party
          By Bryan Fischer

          [Long excerpt deleted]

          (Source: The Pink Swastika: Homosexuality in the Nazi Party, by Scott Lively, Founders Publishing Foundation, 1995.)

          Clare: Scott Lively, whose crimes against humanity are well-documented: “actions in aiding and abetting efforts to demonize, intimidate, and injure LGBTI people in Uganda constitute violations of international law” writes Judge Michael Ponsor.

          As for Fischer, he would not know the truth, and has no respect for it. I would not recommend his blitherings to anyone, as they are divorced from reality.

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  2. It is odd, looking at those three very mild pictures of female dominance. They are dressed like that, presumably, because men find it attractive to suppose that women are being dominating, yet, these models have dressed like that to titivate men, I presume, so who is dominating whom?

    I am sorry if I make lots of unfair generalisations here, but I find this whole ‘who is what with whom’ confusing and somehow irrelevant….in the sense that we can surely be, and should have the right to be, whomever we choose to be, and regardless of definitions… not saying this very well, sorry!

    xxxx 🙂

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    • Samantha Fox, who went from The Sun to almost-celebrity, said “Who’s doing the exploiting?” She was getting paid, after all. The facial expressions, of contempt or disdain or command, are the thing. Though the one on the left has a peg, and the one in the middle has a crop (or a switch- I am unclear on the difference). Mistress T’s blog claims that she makes her own videos, a cottage industry: this exploits a dirty little passion a need which is often not assuaged any other way. I see no need to doubt her.

      Calling myself “feminine” gives me a handle on characteristics which have just confused me; or I have felt shame about, and “feminine” helps me see them as positive.

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      • Just hearing it from someone else’s perspective. I identify as female and have spent the majority of my life trying to find the right girl to accept me. I was fortunate enough to find a woman who is comparable with who I am on the inside and who actually encourages my feminism. For 30+ years I have felt like I was living a lie and had to keep everything secret. Its hard to find like-minded people, and whenever I tried to find people like me online, I always came across too much fetish-oriented stuff. Face stomping, foot worship, people peeing on each other, grown people dressed in diapers, etc. And, too many “titles”. Everybody wants to put some sort of label on everything. Through research, I’ve found out that I’m “submissive” and desire to be with a “dominant” female. But, since I shave as a female, dress as a female (mostly behind closed doors), and like to have sex as a female (my girl as a male) the title I get is “sissy”, or since I like my girl to be a little rough with me I’m a “slave”. Idk, its all just a little too freaky for me. And, I often felt embarrassed of myself after looking at some of that stuff! I do like to be dominated by my girl but trying to research this lifestyle made my head hurt lol I just liked your point of view and am always happy to find positive, intellegent, like-minded people…..Thank you!!

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        • Welcome, David. I am delighted to meet you. Thank you so much for replying, it takes courage to admit these things.

          I do not want to be hit or tied up, or dressed in ridiculous costumes like a “sissy”. I want a woman who is strong, confident and independent, and I want to be supportive. In sex, I really like being passive, and if expected to be active want to know how I may please another, for pleasing her pleases me. I want the woman’s power to pervade the relationship, not just particular games. I also want to be valued. Even finding the words for what I want has taken many years, I have been so confused about it.

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          • Yes. Confused. That’s how I spent most of my life. It took me a long time to realize that there is nothing wrong with me, I just identify as a girl. I’m from a small town in tennessee and my family’s roots are very….old fasioned, shall we say, and I’ve always had to hide who I am. I could only dress how I wanted to in secret. But, thanks to certain things that happened that got me exposed and meeting the girl I am with now, I’ve somehow adjusted into a pretty happy existance….I never would have thought….Anyway, I really like who I am, and am always interested in listening what other people, like me, that have been through some of the same things I’ve been through, have to say. Thank you for your help. Its work like yours, these articles, that have helped me find myself and figure out who I am. Without people like you, people like me would be clueless and lost…

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            • Well, its kind of a long story but ill give you the short version. We were friends back in high school. Kinda had a crush on each other but never really got a chance to get together. 20 years later when a bad break-up led to my ex-girlfriend posting a bunch of pics of me dressed in bras and panties, mini skirts and halter-tops, along with an exaggerated and overly-detailed story about how her best friend (a girl) beat me up and exposed me as a “cross-dresser” in front of all of her friends, all on Facebook for everyone I know to see. And, as you can imagine, this made life kinda hard for me. Changed things forever. And Tasha was the only one who came to my rescue and defended me and stood up for me. She accepted who I am, embraced it, taught me to embrace it, and we’ve been happy together ever since. Sorry, didn’t mean to write you a book and tell you my whole life story. Tell me some more about yourself???

              Liked by 1 person

  3. Hello Clare and any other readers,

    My name is Pres. I just read through this whole article and its comment section and started to cry. I’ve been struggling so hard with my sexuality all my life as an AMAB. This article gave me a lot of answers today, so many in fact that my head is spinning.

    I’ve been struggling with gender dysphoria since high school and finally came out as a trans woman in November of 2017, as a senior in college. I started HRT in Feb of this year, so I’m about 2 months in. For a while, I was disgusted with myself because I thought that I may have decided to transition for the purpose of satisfying a deeply rooted and old sexual fantasy of being the submissive girl (and sometimes dominant girl) in a partnership. I didn’t even consider if I was transgender until my third year of college, despite my secret crossdressing since before age 10 lol!

    Anyhow, I feel weird about transitioning because I thought that my dysphoria comes from me fetishizing some aspects of “forced feminization” and “sissification.” That’s what that one Wux person seemed to argue. And you vehemently disagreed. I am totally with you on that one. Wux’s comments definitely scared the hell out of me, but yours reassured me that I was not fetishizing my existence and that my dysphoria does not necessarily come from that.

    To be clear, my dysphoria is strongest when I see beautiful strong dominant women… but more specifically cis women. I feel envy towards them because I wish I was born a beautiful cis woman. I expressed that concept of female jealousy to one of my cis female friends and she replied “female jealousy is a bitch.” This made me feel good. I felt included as a woman in the struggle. I guess I can be a beautiful dominant woman, just not cis. But perhaps I shouldn’t imprison my mind to terms like cis and trans. Perhaps that jealousy of cis females is a response to internalized transphobia that was seared into my brain. Also, I think it has to do with the fact that I feel really uncomfortable being called a sissy because it feels so objectifying. Like I am reduced to a penis, something I really don’t identify with. Also, David hit it spot on with her narrative in the comments.

    I do indeed fantasize of a strong femme figure taking charge in that affectionate way you described, NOT like the way a lot of forced feminization porn portrays it. Going a bit out of chronological order in my development here… for a while, I thought that in order for me to be a woman, I HAD to be a “sissy” and submit to humiliation, chastity, and downright objectification. Truly, I hate being called sissy. I hate kissing feet, and I hate being denied orgasm for too long. I definitely like some things I see in forced feminization and sissy porn, but I hate a lot of it too. This gave me a lot of stress especially recently, because it’s been harder for me to … please myself, as modern medicine has miraculously allowed me to get my testosterone down to nearly nonexistent. I don’t mind that I’m harder to please, but I do mind feeling uncomfortable with my sexuality and my desires.

    I am sick of this shame. I need liberation. I am a little worried that I have written this narrative too frantically to express my feelings exactly as I want, but it will do. Let this be of some help to someone like me who is or was struggling.

    Clare, thank you for helping me. I plan to explore your page extensively to find more answers. I would love to hear your thoughts on what I wrote here today. Any other readers are welcome to comment too!

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    • Thank you for sharing, Pres. You are very welcome here. I am so pleased that you have found this helpful. There are well over a million words on my blog, but I explore this in depth.

      Much of what you find on the internet will be porn. It is exaggerated, and fantastical. It does not describe real relationships. Human beings crave intimacy, and porn denies you that.

      I see ours as a separate sexuality, not straight and not gay. There are assertive women who like men like us. There are also women who will demand that you become more manly. One man I know had such a girlfriend, and he was so much happier, less tense, when they broke up. All fictional portrayals are negative, except perhaps Ann and Stewart in LA Law, which you can find on Youtube but might find slow and dated. I wrote more about this here: Becoming Trans.

      I regret transitioning. I feel I was poisoned and mutilated. It helped me become more myself, but I still found myself suppressing aspects of my personality. I posted today of gender as a false way of conceptualising people, not fitting actual men or women. My ideal now is not transitioning but finding a way of bringing my whole personality out as a man- and I am not sure I could have done that. Transition may have been the best possibility open to me at the time. And it makes intimacy more difficult.

      Let me know how you get on, and if you find what I write provokes you to new thought I would love to hear your reactions.

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      • Yeah, porn is fucking weird. But I think porn has allowed me to understand myself in some ways. Specifically, I learned – and continue to learn – what I like and what I absolutely do not like.
        I’m glad that there are assertive women out there who would like me for who I am, though I definitely do not see myself as a man. It just feels like the wrong identity despite all the truthful things you wrote about being a feminine male. All of my sexual desires stem from wanting to be the woman, and when I see myself in any capacity as a man, the GD pierces my heart and I feel embarrassed, ashamed, and just wrong. I am ok with the label trans woman when I have a specific conversation about gender identity and how it may or may not relate to sexuality, but outside of just having a term to describe objective reality – if you would even call it that lol – it still sometimes feels wrong to be called a trans woman. It’s like “ah great I love being reminded that I have a penis.” As you can see, I’m having a lot of trouble accepting my reality, which I think is the ultimate source of my sexual imprisonment, which I regard in a separate but related category from my GD.
        I prefer just being a woman. Notice how there is no prefix there like trans or cis. Is that an unrealistic way to see myself? I personally don’t think so. Most sissy porn or porn narratives deny me of that because of reasons I stated before. Ugh I feel so confused by myself sometimes.

        I am sorry that you feel regretful about transitioning. I am only 2 months into HRT, and despite the nasty bumps I’ve hit a long the way, it still feels like the right thing to do for me. I definitely do not think that I could bring out my whole personality as a man the way you described it because I simply don’t see a man embodying that personality. Or perhaps I just think that that I am not a man because it is much more convenient for me to accept my femininity that way. Transitioning makes sense for me. As mentioned before, I sometimes think that I only transitioned to feel comfortable about my sexuality. I definitely don’t think that is the case, but it just feels that way at times and hurts to think about.
        You mentioned that transitioning suppressed some aspects of your personality. That sounds debilitating. I’m sorry that you had that experience. Would you care to elaborate more on this?

        Intimacy is more difficult as a result? I feel mixed about this when I try to apply it to myself. I’ve always struggled hard with finding intimacy way before even considering if I was trans.
        I know that everyone is unique and has their own experiences about everything, but I feel like I have a lot in common with you and your experiences. I hope we continue to share our thoughts with each other. I read your article “Becoming Trans II” and I sympathize so hard. A lot of “hah! been there done that, still do that.”
        Your perspective on the matter is a blessing, truly. I felt incredibly alone for the longest time and now I feel like at least one person in this world really understands what I am going through.

        Thank you Clare!
        -Pres

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        • Also I am sorry if I didn’t address everything you wrote about in your reply. That would take absolutely forever. I have a million things to say about all of it 😛 we’ll get there eventually.

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        • Don’t worry about not addressing everything. These are huge, existential matters, and I hope you can work them out: if reading and writing here helps, I am delighted.

          I lay on the floor, curled in a ball, weeping, “I am not a man. I am not a man.” And now I wonder whether the problem was not my penis, but my conception of manhood and of myself. People with a penis can be like you: you are the proof! It does not mean your desires, either to express yourself or present yourself in a particular way, are wrong. If you go through with transition, I hope it goes well for you. But in college you should have access to counselling or psychotherapy, and it is worth digging deeply: what are your gifts, how may you value them, what problem does transitioning address, and may it be addressed in other ways? Then you will know that transition really is the best you could have done. This post, on love and the vulnerability it makes me feel, may help. It is vulnerable. It is “not how a man should be”. Yet it is how I am.

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