My ministry this morning was as close to the Ranters as I have come. They imagined that anything they did was led by the inward spirit of God.
It began for me with thinking of a paedophile who came to my Quaker meeting. He had served his time, and professed that he did not want to offend again. My sensible, Quakerly position was clear. He had committed a crime, but human beings have to be capable of repentance and correction; we took sufficient precautions to protect our children from him; subject to those precautions we should welcome him into our community. Yet when I spoke to him I did so in a stiff and formal manner. I was conflicted, knowing the reasonable response and fighting it. My real sympathy for him- he has to be able to make some sort of life, I can imagine his suffering- was not enough.
Call it what you will- my id, or inner child is where the energy comes from.
I said that one is supposed to consider whether ministry is for the whole meeting, or for me alone, but this is for me. I described the man, and how I could not talk to him authentically. And now I can be sensible, or I can be that inner child, but all that inner child is able to say is
There has to be more than my NO. (By this time, I am crying.)
After, G was delighted at my energy- he needs that energy, he has been in three mental hospitals and had ECT which he hates. I need that energy, but it frightens me, and so I have screwed the lid right down on it. I am still frightened, but pleased with my clear rule-breaking here. Generally, Quaker inspired ministry appears to come from a superego sort of place. I have taken a risk with my ministry, if not in others’ eyes in my own. I imagine those Ranters letting their Ids play and calling it Spirit. Some balance might be possible.
Previously I have had the experience of weeping, and thereafter being more in touch with feeling, more able to sense and express it, and perhaps this is similar- expressing anger, then being more able to use that energy. This is something to practice. I judge my revolt, or exploration, or whatever it is, harshly- I grope blindly and move poorly- but it really is the best I can do. Something to celebrate then.
J ministered on how she had permitted an artist to make a cast of her body, so lay on the woman’s kitchen table having wet plaster bandages applied. The artist was lovely, but as this proceeded, especially over J’s face, she retreated into herself. We have these public and private selves. I have support here, to grow as I may.
Wow … I’m still trying to stand up in the winds here. Good to get this out and say it; hard to figure it out completely, though I have tried.
There are non-rational, rebellious teenager ways of responding which may lead to a useful adult response. Eschewing attempts at persuasion, when I was cold-called today I said over and over again “Don’t call me again” in a monotone, until he rang off. Since he would not have taken no for an answer, my response was not to engage or even to listen. That may be a small example.
At least it was effective. I don’t think they’re allowed to make cold calls in New York, but what do I know?