I still think of reverting, M-F-M, and worry that a main reason for not reverting is that I would be admitting I had been wrong. In one of Wxhluyp‘s interminable debates, her opponent contrasted two opposites: Male v Female, and Male v Not-Male. Then there is the trans-exclusionist critique: the only real differences between male and female are anatomical; any other differences are cultural, patriarchal and oppressive. And there is the denied, oppressed and derided way of being male, the sissy.
Reverting would not mean admitting I had been wrong. I wanted so much to transition at the time, it was the most important thing in my life. Transition is always portrayed as intended to be life-long, but need not be. Transition could be the only path I could have taken to get to wanting to present male, now.
I am dissatisfied. How could I not be? How many are not? In my dissatisfaction, I alight on the most impractical, self-hating and self-judging act as a possible solution. How tempting: I am dissatisfied because I took that wrong step- reverse it and everything will be OK.
As before, there are two questions:
Am I female?
Will I be happier if I revert?
No to the first does not necessitate a yes to the second.
It feels that I have a fire in me which can frighten or offend others (again, this may be the common human experience) which I have not yet learned how to live with: I am unhappy whether I suppress it or let it out, and learning how to live with it is what I mean by doing teenage, or doing toddlerhood, now.
M-F-M. It is not what I Want. Trying to work it out rationally- am I deluded?- gets me nowhere.