Control freak

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/a/a8/Francisco_de_Goya_y_Lucientes_091.jpg/340px-Francisco_de_Goya_y_Lucientes_091.jpgI would rather not be upset. I would rather not be upset at that.

My gas boiler, which should provide heating and heat water, is only providing heating, though as I type the plumber is fixing it. Turning the hot tap on, I hear the rush of a flame, but no heat gets to the water. So yesterday and today I had an all over wash after boiling a kettle, which in a bathroom at 10°C is not fun.

I phoned the landlord’s agent, who said she would call the landlord about sorting it and call me back. I told her, don’t phone my mobile. I keep my mobile switched off. She said OK. Later, I thought, I should probably switch on the mobile, they will have called that. I will watch this TV programme then I will check it for messages. Before I did, the plumber came. I would have preferred my front room tidy for him- though I did not tidy though I knew he would probably come. And I did not switch on the mobile before, though I knew they would call it. I have just called them again to tell them to delete the mobile number from their records, and phone the land line.

I am upset that things have not gone as I would have wished even though the main thing I wished- getting my hot water back- has happened; I could have tidied earlier; it does not matter that the agent called the mobile except that I requested them not to, because it is not normally switched on. So I am upset that they called the mobile because I wanted it otherwise, and I have not behaved rationally- tidying the mess- and upset that I am upset at something which should be so trivial. If I were to get a job, I would either be overwhelmed by similar irritations, or find a way to sublimate them. I don’t know.

I went to Charing Cross, had blood tests, and on the advice of an endocrinologist my GP has just cut my hormone intake. How I feel about this-

-Messing about with my hormones can only set me off
-A change in hormone ingestion may initially unsettle me, but because it is the endocrinologist’s decision can only do good in the medium term
– they don’t know, and nothing they do will do any good

can actually affect how I am, and even my actual hormone levels.

By acting as if what I wanted- agent phones my landline not my mobile- would happen, rather than what I knew would happen, I caused any negative effects, and lessened my control. I understand how I thwarted myself, and at the time I partially understood how I was thwarting myself, and that particularly worries me.

10 thoughts on “Control freak

  1. Understanding is a process. There are things one knows for many years but is only capable of changing many years later. It’s not a process that ever ends. I’ve only recently decided my childhood wasn’t actually ‘that bad’.

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    • On childhood, I thought it was good, then ghastly, and now I think it good in parts. My parents did their very best for me, and there were great blessings. I had to decide it was ghastly, as part of the process of detaching myself from them: quite late in my case, in my thirties.

      I know some wise nonagenarians, I will ask if it ever ends…

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  2. Darling Clare,

    Why worry? Things are as they are, and worrying brings towards you what you do not want. Instead of saying, “Please do not phone my mobile” say, “Please only phone my landline”. The subconscious does not hear the word, “Don’t” so “Don’t forget we have a party tonight” will register as “Forget we have a party tonight.” Couch everything you want in the positive, and everything you don’t want in the positive. Then watch. Wait and see. :-))) ♥

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