I started my blog with the post I wanted to write and publish, on the idea which had made me check out blogging. There are my first three sentences, and they are beautiful. I thought I had taken a great step forwards, and I am not sure I had, but I had seen two beautiful things, which are worth revisiting.
“War”- I awoke on 1 July 2011 feeling as if I had two personalities alive in me, engaged in a battle. I was away on the HAI level one weekend, and one inner voice was whining and whingeing about it, and one was delighting in it. One said, This is fascinating and that is beautiful and she is amazing and I want to get to know her better and the other said That is stupid and that is not how I would like it and I loathe that. Or not quite: both had specific things to love or fear, sometimes the same thing, and I could choose between them. It was worthwhile and necessary to choose the positive, and that involved an effort, as the negative could easily fill my thoughts.
I was particularly blessed that day as I opened both views to a woman- my negative side insulted her, and she responded in love- and she helped me understand, and choose Life.
I have got better at blogging. My posts are on average twice the length, and I express and develop my meaning more. Then, I was shy of giving any detail, because other people involved might see, so I stuck to generalities and my own feeling. Now, I would give detail, and my impressions of others- sometimes that says more about me than the other person, and I do not insult people. Then, I still kept my paper diary as I had since October 1984, but now my blog is my diary of events. Now, every post has a picture, more or less relevant or random. Even last month, I wrote several days in advance and read over what I had written before posting, but today I write for posting in hours, as a challenge.
No, I had not pupated. I had decided It is Blessing to be me but that decision, too, needs embedded, needs taken into the heart, needs repeated acceptance. I had found spiritual work I needed to do.
I don’t think, as I did then, that these lessons were absolutely new to me. I have always been positive as well as negative. We go round and round the same lessons, turning and turning in the widening gyre, the still point in the turning world. Each time we learn them more deeply. We can go a step backwards, but the general motion is forwards because people are decent and doing our best under difficult circumstances, and our natural way is to heal and grow.
Here I am. Here, on this website, which records my spiritual growth, healing and questioning. This is who I am. Hello.