Destructive addiction

The youngest old man I ever met was in his twenties. He was looked after by relatives, and he said things to me like, “I can remember school like it was yesterday, but I can’t remember yesterday”. He had been sniffing glue since age 14. He managed to give up twice, but when his grandmother died he was upset, and he went back on it. He is probably dead by now.

Autogynephilia is a false theory. We try so desperately to make men of ourselves, running from our femininity; and we are living in role as female, long after we cease to be aroused by it. So, if “gender dysphoria” had any meaning, and we were “really” men, we would be feeling terrible gender dysphoria.

But- what if there were something in the development of autogynephilia that prevented us from feeling that dysphoria? The dysphoria goes the other way- we can’t stand presenting male- what if that developed through erotic reinforcement? Those who advocate the idea are always making ad hoc amendments to it to fit uncomfortable facts, and trans people ashamed of being trans are on the lookout for a cause.

Being transsexual is a difficult thing to cope with, sometimes. I might resent that I have this difficulty. And- Peter was killed in a motorbike accident, affecting all his family. Bad things happen to good people.

What if I had caused it? I should have treated it like an addiction, and found ways of avoiding it- I did for a year, once, I would have claimed to have “given up”- so it is my failure that leaves me where I am now. Other people kick addictions, lots of teenagers sniff glue, then stop, and I am too weak. I coulda been a contender! Still, human beings are a mix of good qualities and bad qualities. Where I am, now, is happy expressing myself female and revolted at the idea of presenting male. It is no more shameful than falling from a cliff because I could not hold on any longer, or a motorcyclist skidding in a patch of oil, and a lot less unpleasant than those things.

What difference would that make for changing rooms and loos? None. If I want to try on clothes or go swimming, I use the women’s changing room, I have a cubicle, and I behave normally, like everyone else in there.

What about the lesbian bar? Well, most people there are tolerant enough, and really don’t mind. You could get all political, and say I am a man, and men should not be in there, but such rigid categories are so last century.  Some lesbians have trans girlfriends- should they be ejected too? Tolerate me!

You might notice this is not a particularly rigorous analysis, certainly not enough to satisfy a TERF. It does not have to be, for the reason that we are mostly harmless, far more murdered than assaulting others. If any woman is upset at my presence because I make her think of male violence against her, and she wants me out, let us talk about it. If any woman is concerned someone else might be upset, there is no problem, because it is so unlikely.

Tolerance of others is a good thing. As society gets more racially and culturally mixed, we meet people who don’t grow up in the same culture and see things the same way, and on the whole it is better if we can get on with them. Racism is bad. But humans are also sexual beings, with a strong sex drive, who have to find some way of not acting on it in order to function in society. Some homophobes do not like gay people because we make them think of sex. But that is not us, that is the homophobe. You still have to find a way of not acting on sexual thoughts, bracketing them for particular places. Homophobia is bad.

Female embodiment fantasies are a symptom, and not a cause, of being trans. But even if they were not, so what?

3 thoughts on “Destructive addiction

  1. Yep, it seems the problem arises in social scenes when there are people who can’t think beyond the sexual, can’t see the human being … so homophobia would seem to attract people who have sexual hangups or are not themselves satisfied or confident with their own sex activities or control over them so anything different becomes a threat even if there is no threat at all…regretfully such people exist


    • Precisely.

      The homophobe feels disgust for another human being, and tells himself that that is a good thing. Disgust for another human being, simply because of who they are, is a bad thing.

      Another recent thought: when I first expressed myself as female it felt wonderful, and presenting male was simply normal. As things went on, female was nice, male a bit of a pain, and finally female was normal and male was unbearable. But- what we think of as “Spiritual” experiences in my circles are similar. At one time, being present and seeing a wild flower so completely that there is heaven in it felt amazing and wonderful, and now it is almost an everyday experience, though it is still lovely. Even feeling that I am my part of the Universe which at first was life-changing is now part of my experience.


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