Defence

Klimt_-_Der_Hofschauspieler_josef_Lewinsky_als_Carlos_in_„Clavigo“ detailKlimt_-_Der_Hofschauspieler_josef_Lewinsky_als_Carlos_in_„Clavigo“ detailIt is a right pain, knowing that you’re queer, and that is a bad thing. It is worse, knowing that whatever distress you feel is because you are useless, that anyone with the slightest moral fibre would not be troubled for a moment. In this state, I kept that job in Oldham, despite recurrent worries of loss of funding. I left because local kids were repeatedly vandalising my car.

I went to Newport, where funding was removed within six months because my managers instructed me not to do what we were funded to do, but something else, and bullied me for trying to do what we were funded to do; then moved me to represent at employment tribunals, at which we were hopelessly incompetent: I worked for days on my first full hearing, worked late, and at the hearing the chairman frightened me so much that I forced the client to accept the barrister’s offer: he would not seek costs, if we withdrew now. Eventually I could not bear it any more, and walked out, the demands of my job and the demands of my fallacious self-respect- I needed to preserve my self-image- being too much for me.

Then I got another job, where I had little to do, and that bothered me- can’t get funding renewed if I am not working, and a woman I needed to refer clients to me took an extreme dislike to me. I did all I could for it, which was not enough. At the time I was appealing the Minute of Disunity from Quakers in South Wales. Again unemployed, I kept applying, travelling all over to many interviews, and never getting the offer. When my GP stopped my hormones suddenly, I went wildly emotional, and remained so despite starting taking them again. This year I have numbed my emotions, rather than achieving equilibrium, with television and solitaire and staring at my stats page as well as blogging. Last year I learned my father had lost £60,000 to fake investment scams. I thought he would learn from this, and my sister and his wife would protect him, but this year I found he had lost at least another £50,000, wiping his capital out.

So here I am, spending most of the time indoors. I am frightened of other people, never wanting to ask for something- amazed when my landlord told me his address- and frightened of the future.

This is not because I am bad. I just, well, am. The world, well, is. It is as it is, as the Facebook wisdom says,

and I am -Not- wrong.

B asked why the double negative. Because my sense of my own wrongness is so deep and pervasive and so able to appropriate circumstances as new evidence of its truth- such as the fact that it still exists, and I have not even been able to learn the obvious moral lesson that it is not true, yet.

Oh, this is hard work.

12 thoughts on “Defence

  1. “I asked Jesus to come into my heart – and He set me free from homosexuality – forever.

    [Blah blah fucking blah]

    Stephen Bennett’s testimony is presented here by permission, and is the sole property of Stephen Bennett Ministries. It may not be duplicated or reproduced in any shape, form or fashion, without the expressed written permission of Stephen Bennett Ministries. Forward any and all requests to: Stephen Bennett Ministries – P.O. Box 2095, Huntington, CT 06484 or call (203) 926-6960.

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    • Another Umar al-Numan story from Jim.

      I deleted the boring rubbish unread, but wanted to include that last bit. There are bisexuals, and there are bitter gay men who do not take seriously that verse “The two shall become one flesh”- who force themselves into joyless fucking with a wife, once or twice- in order to make money from gullible “Evangelicals” like Jim, not caring about the harm they do to other gay men.

      Jim is not worthy of the term Evangelical. It comes from Evangel, meaning “Good News”. Jim strips all the love from the Gospel, and makes it a sterile set of rules enforced with fear of damnation, punishment in eternal fire- yes, everlasting physical pain.

      There are lots of sites explaining “ex-gay” “therapy” from a Christian perspective. Here is one.

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  2. Being queer and trans it not easy. I had once been told, “I would never leave you even if you needed to transition.” A year and a half later she said she’d wanted a divorce. Of out marital vows she’d said, “I meant them when I said them.”

    And yet, things like this can serve to reinforce our lessened humanity. As I try to navigate the world of relationships I find that many people are like my ex-wife. Qualities such as loyalty, devotion, and faithfulness are little more that secondarily desirable.

    It’s a hard road we walk. We shouldn’t have to offer a defence of our humanity, but there are many who seem to expect it.

    -Connie

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    • Dear Connie,

      It could be a blessing that I never married.

      However my defence is not to charges by the world, but by myself. My rather fierce inner critic says, anyone with any moral fibre would not be distressed by these things and you ought to be making a better go of life than this.

      Indeed. Oughtism, musterbation-

      So, my defence is saying to my inner critic- No, that is not true. This is where I am, and I have achieved, rather than failed, to get here. It seems that my burden of guilt and shame is greater than it, er, ought to be.

      Internalised transphobia is the worst. One gets over it.

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    • Ha! You’re half my age, you are just starting University, aren’t you? Wait till your mid-life crisis starts, dearie, it gets worse again!

      Harrumph.

      Onywye, I think you are right, and you will have experienced these things already: doubt, then greater understanding. I have put off authenticity for immediate comfort, and that cannot end well: I am now doing the necessary work of acceptance and understanding. In your generation it has become easier, though still difficult, to accept ones queerness, and I am encouraged by that even as I envy it. Thank you.

      Wise one, I hope you can hear the laughter in this comment: it is certainly not at you.

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  3. Ah, Not-Wrong-ness. I am struggling to remember that of myself this week. My heart comes out to you across the valley of the shoulds in sympathy and warmth. ❤

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    • Sometimes it seems that everything could be an excuse for being down on myself, and it does no good.

      So many people do this! Sympathy and warmth (and you can be so beautifully warm, Ducs) is definitely the answer.

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