Indictment III

That did not meet the most File:Paula Modersohn-Becker 016.jpgbasic rule of natural justice. An indictment needs to be specific: “On [date] you resigned from that job,” not “I hide away, and run away”. I stood it as long as I could. When I think of something specific, I see the extenuating circumstances. That is what I had to do, in that situation.

It is also appallingly negative, and after deciding to be Positive I see myself, now, particularly negative. George Orwell wrote of most people succumbing to the hard grind, and given that they might grow up in the shadow of The Mill and live their lives in it- and, perhaps, the Workmen’s Institute, or the Church, and have families, that might be alright, especially as I myself am not going to be a manual worker

then Rilke says something the same, living in the grind: his “Young Poet” was a soldier, and he has to conform to that Profession- which I might think inimical to poetry, one must possess the person, or the other- and the profuse notes in my cheap edition say Kappus’s novels were “cheap and popular”-

Then here is Seamus the Famous, a Poet. Another Poet (James Fenton, I think) joked about the border-guards checking his passport- “We don’t see many of those, sir”- and the Nobel Laureate for Literature writes about-

not understanding. Conflict. Loss. Fear. Not being good enough.

Actually, what was it Rilke wrote?

I know your profession [military officer] is hard and filled with contradiction of yourself, and I anticipated your lament and knew that it would come. Now it has come I cannot appease it, I can only advise you to consider whether all professions are not like that, full of demands, full of hostility against the individual, saturated so to say with the hatred of those who have reconciled themselves mutely and morosely to their own insipid duty. The situation in which you now have to live is no more heavily burdened with convention, prejudice and error than all the other situations, and if there are some which make parade of a greater freedom, there is certainly none which is itself wide and spacious and related to

the great things of which real life consists.

Not understanding, not- achieving with ease, instantly, what I want to achieve, and not being able to cease to want that-

The indictment is not against me, it is against the World: its Creator, its Biosphere, everything down to the molten Mantle and up to the stars, all of which I hate and Resent-

and all of which is as good as it possibly could be.

4 thoughts on “Indictment III

  1. [There follows a comment from a poor sad fuckwit who imagines that being gay and expressing love is sinful, and against God’s will. Trigger warning: boring idiocy ahead.]

    “Are you and your girlfriend having a homosexual relationship?” Yvette’s mother asked her one day, suspicious of the relationship she saw between Yvette and her closest friend. Angered and devastated, Yvette, then 17, locked herself in the bathroom and cried. Although the thought of such a relationship repulsed her, deep in her heart she wished that it were true. ‘Everything I need is in this relationship’ she thought miserably.

    In college, professors who ridiculed the Christian faith influenced Yvette, and she became hostile towards [fake] Christians [like Jim Finn]. [She was] popular and got top grades. Struggling with physical and emotional symptoms, she visited therapists, healers, and clairvoyants.

    While working at a hotel in Laguna Beach, California, Yvette came into contact with the [gay] community for the first time. Among many close [gay] male friends, a special bond developed with Ed from Argentina. ‘You’ve got an implicit homosexual relationship,’ Ed would always say about Yvette’s new best girlfriend. And she would say, ‘Look, just because you’re gay doesn’t mean that everyone’s gay and that you can’t have a good friendship.’ But she realized that she did not connect with the guys she dated like she did with this friend.

    Increasingly dissatisfied with her life, Yvette soon decided she needed a change. Accepted at the University of Delhi in India, she went into the Himalayas to learn Hindi. And in the process, she became close friends with her teacher who was four years older. Several months later the relationship became physical.

    Yvette walked the paths of the Himalayas trying to reconcile the conflict between her feelings and her actions. ‘This can’t possibly be who I am,’ she thought, but she finally [realised] that the reason for her guilt was that society had taught her that lesbian behavior was wrong.

    Upon her return to the States, Yvette told Ed she was a lesbian. Yvette began visiting lesbian bars. Angry at [homophobic remnants within] society and [pseudo-] morality, she became involved in homosexual activism and joined the ‘Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation’. She finally felt good.

    One night at a lesbian bar in southern California, Yvette encountered [fake] Christians passing out fliers. ‘Don’t you have anything better to do on a Saturday night than to come here and harass us?’ she protested.

    After another relationship with a woman ended, Yvette moved out to care for Ed and a friend who now had AIDS. When they felt well, they attended an endless stream of parties.

    At the law firm where she worked, Yvette met Jeff, an outspoken Christian who impressed her with his knowledge of Scripture.

    Yvette said, ‘Look, I believe homosexuality is okay; I believe abortion is okay. I’m [no] different from what [real] Christians believe.’

    ….[blah, blah, blah]

    You, too, can turn from the darkness to the Light of Jesus Christ. If you desire to have your sins forgiven and a home in heaven, you must realize the following:

    [More worthless idiocy from Jim, who has not the slightest clue about Christianity, God, Jesus, the Bible, humanity, human nature, life, reality, etc., edited because it is too boring to refute.]


    • You write such sterile bullshit, Jim. I have improved your comment, and let through bits of it which were not too offensive. I have put in useful additions in square brackets.

      Of course not in terms of how well-written it was, though perhaps in how imaginative, your comment reminded me of the Tale of Umar al Numan in the Arabian Nights. Decades ago, when I was a less serious Christian than now, more like you in belief-structure, I read this stirring tale of the Crusades, in which the Christians were the bad guys- their souls escaped through their anuses and went to Hell, the writer explained- and thought, that is the wrong way round. Just as with your imaginative little tale.


      Oh, and- what’s that about “an endless stream of parties”? Oh, Jim! You’re jealous!


      • It angers me. I found an ex-gay woman’s blog the other day, which is unusual, most of the poor deluded souls are men. There are a few who marry, and live off their celebrity among nutcase Evangelicals. Jim’s story goes on to say this woman who dated men as a student is now married, and preaches ex-gay rubbish with her husband. It is as stylised as a story from the Child’s Companion and Juvenile Instructor, which I would blog on if I still had my copy. I edited out his explanation of GLAAD. Insulting, to imagine that it needed explaining, or even spelling out.

        You and I disagree about the value of the mythology. I think it has value even to counterbalance the damage done by Jim and his ilk. I have been reading Rilke on bringing God into being, that is perhaps forming a relationship with ones own poetic soul, and I must post on it.


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