Indictment II

I want what is not real, rather than what is real.

I hide away, and run away.

I cannot trust myself.

I cannot be trusted.

I am still waiting for someone to rescue me.

I do not face my problems. I do not face reality.

I have airy ideas about reaching “heaven” through “Hell”

and specific ideas about what “heaven” would look like.

I do not do what I obviously need to do.

I dwell on the past. I ruminate. It comes in my mind and I welcome it.

I am inauthentic with others and with myself.

I plead “Guilty”.

10 thoughts on “Indictment II

  1. Ooooohm! Dear Clare, you must surely know that most of this is just your ego having a go at you, don’t you?

    You are real, therefore you only ever have what is real. You are always with god, in the company of angels, so your fears of abandonment, you can leave gently to one side.

    You can run and hide, but the truth of your beauty and perfection stays with you always.

    You are being authentic all the time, and there is nothing you need to do, except, perhaps read a few spiritual texts which may remind you, that there is nothing you need to do. There is no such thing as unreality. There is only what you choose, now.

    But you can help yourself by choosing, all the time, what you choose to be. What do you choose? To declare yourself guilty or innocent? To be happy or sad?

    XXXXX :-)))

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    • Well.

      A woman I know lives with her mother. The mother would point to a speck of dust on the carpet. It was true- there was a speck of dust on the carpet, but it was not Final Proof that the daughter was lazy, useless, a slattern etc.

      What I have done here is take the language which my inner voices use, and can argue for, and- accepted it. Well, yes, OK- that is a bit sweeping, a bit OTT, but, well, OK. That takes the poison out of it. What incidents are evidence of this allegation? Oh, that. Mmm. Indeed. No, it is not what I might have wished to happen, and it might be better for me if it had not, and no I am not that perfect being which could avoid such happenings, and I can’t say something similar will never happen again

      so let us work with that. “Us” being me and that voice.

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    • Do see what I have said to Ann. I am not having a hysterical breakdown here. Part of it is looking at my black and white thinking- if not perfection, then disaster- and rolling with it, the better to get up, and keep getting up.

      And- thank you for caring, and being here.

      Slow upward movement already written for tomorrow.

      And- I got spotted as a Writer, from the way I was behaving on a train!! I am so pleased!

      Like

  2. The best time to plant a tree is twenty years ago. The next best time is now.

    Happiness comes now and makes what matters real. Otherwise, when would we ever be happy?

    Like

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