On the bus, I sneezed, and two people, separately, said “Bless you”. For the avoidance of doubt this was in a friendly manner with no trace of “irony”. I met J by the bus stop, and she went to a rough brick building to buy a mattress.
-Desh isn’t in his posh car today. He’s got his big van.
The posh car is a Porsche. The building is fairly central- well, it is Swanston- and wide enough to have beds both sides of a central aisle. Desh, that name shortened and Anglicized from something Urdu, sits in the back humouring J who chats away to him far more than is strictly necessary for the transaction. I look at the stock. I have no idea what the prices are like, relative to the market, but on a small store and a small stock, Desh seems to be doing well enough for himself. Hmm. If you can make a go of it, self-employment seems the thing.
I need to “man up”, for want of a better phrase- “Toughen up”, I suppose- and get back into the World. It is inevitable that these thoughts make me think of Reverting, because I see most things through the prism of my Gender Thing.
Women can be tough too, of course, and have to be. Oh, it’s all so binary– revert or not revert, express myself as male or female, and even if androgyny is an option it is one of three very separate options, three boxes. Clare, Stephen or Lindsay.
Certainly I have no burning desire to be Stephen again. So the question seems so much less important than transition did: that was the most important thing in my life. Even if I reverted now, I had to do that, in order to find that living male is better now- if it is.
I want to be comfortable in my own skin, and that is something I must do for myself- reverting will not do that for me, though it may be a tool to make it easier, or a mistake, which will make it more difficult. It is so much more a pragmatic question than transitioning was: not “I absolutely have to do this” but “given my circumstances in my society, will my goals be more easy to achieve if I am presenting male?”
If the thought of presenting male upsets me, now, that could be a confidence thing rather than an Identity thing. I dig down into my psyche and ask, have I a “gender identity” at all? It could be a lot less noticeable because it is congruent with presentation, now.